It's bizarre to think how much has changed, and yet nothing of any real significance has happened, nothing of note. It has been all the little rewards, mistakes, arguments, creations of the past few months which have shaped me into absolutely nothing new, only where I'm going and what I dream. I guess that makes little to no sense; every day I learn something, a do or a do not, and I've realised what I want and now I am free to dream of what I actually want to dream of rather than of things I ought to want.
In actual fact, I am back to where I began. I used to be on top of everything; running around, diary in hand, late to things I didn't care about, eager and early to everything else. I used to not care what was or was not acceptable for me to be; so what if noone else was proud of me, or if creativity isn't prestigious?
Somehow, a while ago, I guess the superwoman-me broke down and I lost control of everything around me. Looking back now, none of these things were important, but I felt like it wasn't just time and cameras (two of them) I was losing, but really myself. Last academic year I was the one to put studying and being busy and proactive above everything else, and this year I did nothing of the sort. I regret that deeply, especially sitting down tonight to plan out my revision, knowing how utterly miserably I am going to fail if I don't put in absolutely 120%. But it's okay, because it's been a while now that I've known that things have to change.
I've started singing again- I guess that's a loosely based term when it comes to it- and although I still hate the sound of my own voice, I am not ashamed to use it, if only to release at the end of a long day. I've come to accept how important it is to me, even if it's not 'productive' in the sense that it will ever lead to anything. And I'm writing music again; it's still not as good as I want it to be, but I'm always getting better at it, and that's what matters.
And although I still haven't made the time to paint, I've finally got back into film making. I've produced a short film this term and loved (almost...) every minute of it. As motivation for exams I've got myself into being the assistant producer on another short (a French film this time) the day after I finish exams, in a remote, beautiful forest in England. And you know what? I can see myself doing this for a very long time indeed. I am a creative person and I'm not going to pretend to myself anymore that I want to be a big, important person in politics or health or anything; all I want to do is inspire people with what inspires me. Maybe that will have more of an impact in someone's life than a new policy or more/less income tax ever will.
And because I am somewhat proud of it, here's some of our music.
All production and synth-tastic genius, courtesy of Tom Woodgate.
Adios (:
