Green.

One of my favourite Iranian songs is called 'Jomeh' which means Friday, the Persian equivalent of Sunday, the Sabbath, whatever. It's meant to be a holy day, a sacred day. The song has some of the most chilling lyrics i have ever heard:

"Dareh as abreh siah

khoon micheke

jomeha khoon

mesle baroon

michekeh"

Which translates as:

There is blood dripping from black clouds

Blood drips like rain on a Friday

Not gonna lie, it doesn't have the same ring to it en Anglais. But i can't find it anywhere on the internet as it's very old, so it's all i can do.

I hate sitting endlessly at the hands of countless news channels, while the phone lines are cut off.

Enough.

Shake!

Who knew that genuine fun & festivities could be had at the infamous Summertown Church Hall?

Thanks to Joe Wilson for an aweome party, not a 'banging' party, but an awesome one. Fake snow, yoga balls, tealights & incense (courtesy of yours truly), & summer music- this is my new favourite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwVsObcNYvI


I can't wait to go to Rio & Mardi Gras one day... but i've always wondered what it will feel like once i've done it; i realised that if i have a dream, that is it, & so far it's completely unattainable which keeps the concept as a fond optimism. I wonder if actually living it will change anything, if i'll have a light to look to, a day to strive for. Not that it is my one and only motivation by any means, but once you have it all...?

I think this is the effect of far too much incense (:

Bar forgetting my ID on Monday night, it's been a really nice week so far; shopping with my sister (distance does make the heart grow fonder), seeing everybody from my 6th form- realising that i have missed even the people i was never even very good friends with- Dominos & Mighty Boosh with Greg, & lying down on my bedroom floor, the living room floor, the Church Hall floor, because i miss having floor space (that's London student accomodation for you).

If i manage to get to Midnight Mass tonight & figure out a plan to save the world by tomorrow, it will have been a very nice week. Oh & if i manage to read through 15 papers. Hmm.


Orchid.

Oyster

^^


Last week was a really awesome week:

5 fire evacuations at around 2.30 am - 5.00 am
2 amazing gigs
2 exams... over & out of the way
finally bonding properly with my roommate
work Christmas party, meeting Nick Clegg my boss
too much caffeine
too many goodbyes & trips to Heathrow
a lot of love
3 hours at the library
5 books, 32 papers
10 (ish) kilos of holiday reading
3 degrees centigrade
3 hours travel
-2 degrees centigrade
& home at last.


I'm far too tired to go through it all properly right now, especially as i have no way of uploading the sequence of photos revealing the most amazing gift i've ever recieved... ever, from Chloe.

Things are good. Bizarrely, coming back home has reminded me how much i love making music, just how much i miss it & that i need to get back into it as soon as i'm back in London. Which, by the way, i miss dearly.

A number of things- University, the move, old photographs, speaking to my Grandmother on the phone as the first thing i did as soon as i was back, a summer dress- have made me understand where i come from, where home really is.

I am a citizen of the World.

<3

I think i'm in love with this city.

Including all its ugliness, & all its dirty little secrets.

Peachy Keen

PEACHES WAS AMAZING.

I LOVE HER.

I WANT TO BE HER.

The way to briefly describe the gig was that, if Lady Gaga was watching, her exact thoughts would be "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, i really need to get one of those!" Like, every five minutes of the gig. There was hair, there were leotards, there were freakin laser harps. Check them out. As in, laser beams you could control to play notes, just like you would a real harp. Yeah.

She dressed up as MJ for one song, she walked on the crowd's hands for another, telling us that if she fell over the show was over. In one song, i looked behind me & she had half the crowd topless, dancing. And a few bras on stage too.

That's what i call influence.

My voice is only worse for wear now, & come Saturday i will have none at all.

Hello tomorrow (:

Orchid.

Cocoa

Man flu is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

Definitely.

Yesterday morning i woke up & thought "Somebody has filled the cavity between my skull & prefrontal cortex with mush. And holy crap i can't breathe." Enter horrible cold, at precisely the worst time ever, & the realisation that i had a two hour lecture followed by six hours at work.

An hour into my lecture (limb formation, mutants & Sonic Hedgehog) & the lecturer put up a slide with the timings for our course Christmas party, & said "See you next week" By some miracle of fate, i simultaneously get a text from my colleague saying that our boss has swine flu & she feels ill anyway, so i shouldn't bother coming in.

Hell.

Yeah.

My friend Sophia from my course came back with me to my halls, where we made lunch, did my washing a.k.a laundry room chilling & had basically a daytime sleepover i.e. we both felt like crap so talked for hours in a half-napping state. She left, i did some work, & remembered that we had a basement party that night. Not surprisingly, i didn't go...

Instead, the party pretty much came to me. Right at this minute i don't think i have ever felt so loved, & if i was an emoticon i would be '^^'. Loads of people came up to my room to see that if i was okay, someone offered to make me a vegan soup (i'm starting to believe that i really am vegetarian), at one point there were at least seven other people in my room, which if you see the size of it, is fairly impressive.

Today i went to study in the library with Chelvi, & decided that i'm officially screwed for the two exams i have on Friday. Not only will they be hard, require hours & hours of time that i should probably be asleep, but i'm also uber busy this week too. Put it this way, i'm seeing Basement Jaxx the night before.

But come to think of it, i'm seeing Basement Jaxx the night before... *girly scream*

Back to being ill- I came back from the library early because Chelvi suddenly let out a gasp in the middle of the silent Medical Sciences section, that X factor had started & she needed to run. Oh my God.

I got back, wallowed in self pity for a while, thought about doing work.

About an hour ago, Tom came to my room with a huge cup of hot chocolate, with marshmallows & everything:

I'm a happy bunny (:

Also, the BT tower is like a friend to me now. It is so loyal, & embodies hope, always a shining beacon to guide you home. Literally. As in i wouldn't know how to get back home half the time if it wasn't for the BT tower. For the past few weeks, it's had a countdown to the Olympics on it, which was nice but at times i personally found it to be quite foreboding. Now though, it says 'Merry Christmas!'

All the small things.

Emmanuel

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

This part of December is definitely the best, Christmas day has average written all over it. & true to tradition, i'm coming down with something. 

Tonight we had a Christmas dinner on our floor, which was really, really nice. In the proper sense of the word. Crackers, a proper roast, & a really lovely group of people; i suddenly realised that we rarely do anything as an entire group. Hats off to Jo, for her marvelous culinary skills. In all honesty, i owe my cooking advances to her.

Yesterday i made one of the best decisions ever; at about 2 in the afternoon,  i was sat in an MUN meeting, everybody talking about the Christmas party we were going to that night, me humming a Christmas carol...

I found someone to buy my ticket for the night, legged it to Marble Arch, & jumped on the Oxford Tube. I got to town by about 4.30, & all the shops & cafes were already emptying, ready to close. How very bizarre. I was really hoping to catch Greg yesterday, as i didn't get to see him last time, but this plan fell through. Not good. By the time i do get to see him it'll be about 4 months, so i'm looking forward to it. So anyway, i rang Rachel, from school, to see where she was at, to get ready to go to the Oxford High School Carol Concert....!

We met up in Borders (since when is that closing?? Where am i going to waste time in now??),  & while Rachel bussed to Summertown, i decided to walk under the pretense of 'no money'. In reality i wanted to take it all in, absorb Banbury Road beauty. 

We got there & following a couple of scathing looks from parents, suddenly realised i'd rocked up to Church in a denim minidress, & as if to make it better, improving on its straplessness... by wearing a backless top underneath.

Slow clapping time.

So, first impressions over, we went to sit up on the balcony, which is reserved for old girls, but is rarely filled by them; as i remember usually only a couple of people turn up.We filled up a couple of rows (:

The service is definitely going to stay one of the most beautiful memories i'll ever have.

The acoustics are amazing from up there, the songs were more beautiful than i've ever heard them sung & i felt so proud to be stood up there when the congregation turned around to see who'd come back as we sang the old girls verse.

I wish i could have recorded it & play it over & over again in my mind. It was so perfect, really haunting, but gorgeous.

I think i cried a little.

A lot.

We went out to dinner at Brown's afterward, which, typically, gives you an 'artistic' excuse for a meal, in a really amazing atmosphere to make up for it. It was nice, a little weird though. My friends haven't really changed, at least, the 6 who were there last night, but it's weird how different our lives are, & how in not too long we'll be pretty much worlds apart.

I headed back at about 10, got here at midnight, & suddenly realised how much i missed everyone's company here too. This is what i mean about being torn. & how i realised that i might, maybe, just about, love it here.

To top it all off, i definitely win at receiving postcards...

Firstly, i'm the only person i know here who gets them at all.

Secondly, the other day i found 3 postcards in my pigeon hole, not having got any for a good while.

One was from Sophie in Cambridge.

The next one i looked at was from Greg- i looked at the picture straight away because he'd told me it would 'truly sum up Oxford':

"See what i mean? That's Oxford now all the best people have disappeared!"

The whole thing made me smile.

Next, a postcard from Iara!

"Orchid! The front of this postcard represents how i feel when i think about how far away all my friends are."- hang on.

Flip over the postcard.

It's the same gargoyle.

One of the highlights of my life, methinks.

Sleepytime (:

Orchid.

Ectoplasm

When i was younger, i always thought i'd be a clubbing person, rather than a pubbing person. This would be considered a logical conclusion by any man of wisdom, as i live to dance & also would rather be put in a tank with a piranha than walk into a village convention consisting of fat, smelly, Viking-type men & their wives, given that i usually don't live in these places & look very much not British.

I never imagined i'd miss going to pubs this much; i hadn't been to a single one the whole time i've been in London, until today. Today i went to the Fitzrovia for a Sunday Roast with a friend from halls, & her friends who moved up to the city recently having gone to Falmouth Uni, where she met them during her summers here (she's Polish). It was so nice, & so refreshing to talk to people about things i'm actually interested in- moshpits & metal, & then how we should all go see Justice for New Years.

Happy happy happy (:

I came back, did a little work, & went to visit Ted in his room & spontaneously decided to go to Iran over Easter & also to do this 10 day programme with Buddhist monks...

10 days of:

No speaking, whatsoever, not even to yourself.

Eating only one huge vegetarian meal in the morning

Meditation

It would be so life changing, i'm totally up for it.

I've also been toying with ideas of where to live next year, all i'm ruling out realistically is Hackney Wick a.k.a. Murder Mile, & anything extortionate. I'm seriously thinking about these Catholic student halls right beside uni- you have to go to Mass every Sunday & give back to the community, but to be fair it's not much for very cheap accommodation, & the work could be publicity, which includes updating their blog! You also have to "endeavour to develop your spirituality"... i think my spirit does need a fair bit of development, we'll roll with that.

I've always wanted to live in a spiritual place, i just hope they would let me become that person, & not have to have always been it. The only thing i would disagree with is the potential organised, manipulative religion aspect of it.

The Church has done some very disgraceful things in its time. 

All i want is to be the nicest person in the world.

Can't be that hard.

Orchid.

Skew

If today was plotted as a graph, whereby the x axis spanned from yesterday at about 3pm through to right now, on an hourly basis, & the y axis represented how busy i thought i would be today, & my achievement levels of today, the two variables would be inversely proportional, with slight negative exponential tendencies.

In English, that means that i planned on writing my essay by 1 pm, going to a protest, going to the protest after party, meeting up with Emma & Ben Procter as they were making a trip to London, coming back, revising statistics, then meeting up with Olivia, a friend from my halls to go out somewhere, anywhere... i finished my essay.

The person who was supposed call me to say when she was going to the protest (bearing in mind she invited me) didn't,

Emma overslept & forgot to come to London.

Statistics...

Well put it this way, statistics or procrastination?

The thing me & Olivia were going to go to it turns out was destined to become a pill-fest, & having written 1700 words on Famine, & Economics, which is by the way, alien to me, & her having been waitressing all day, we're not out.

We're not out, i'm not out, i don't go out. Story of my life.

Proof that i am not a loser: yesterday i finished an exam & wanted to go out dancing.

Nobody else did.

Party, woohoo.

It's okay though, i've finally come to realise that for me all that matters is that my course really is crazily interesting, it's the answer to all the questions i used to wonder about ever since i can remember: yes, as a seven-year old i did want to know how all our cells knew where to go. And now i do know. I don't think anyone else will get it, but i think it's really beautiful, i almost can't believe that i finally know how magic works.

Knowledge is power. It's also beautiful.

I don't think i have entirely hated University in recent weeks. I think it's been a combination of real hatred, real loneliness, being afraid that i'll change & that if i admit that i am enjoying myself, i'll hurt others who feel that i still need them, by making them feel unwanted, not missed. There is absolutely nothing in the world like old friends though. Chloe came to visit on Thursday, & i suddenly noticed how many words, sentences we miss out when we talk, because we don't need to spell it out- i know precisely what she means just from a single word. And then far less more hating this place, i dread going home, so much, so much. There's a huge expectation for me to have had the most insanely amazing time of the world, just because i'm in London, & then simultaneously i know all i'll be hearing is stories of all the amazing times everybody else has had. I frankly don't want to know. I just want to be with all these people again, as if nothing has happened in between.

Having said all that, i am really looking forward to seeing the people i don't have to explain everything to, i cannot wait. Just to be around them, & not say a word, in entirely comfortable silence.

Orchid.

Horse

My brain is in a weird state right now where it's not between, but simultaneously extremely calm & serene, & also frantic & whirring & close to explosive.

There is so much i want to change about the world; it took me this long to remember that 'if you want something done, do it yourself' applies to the vast majority of situations. The more i read, & believe me that's all i've been doing for the past few weeks, the more i feel disgusted at humanity, & that there really are no good guys. And also, & most depressingly, that sometimes the wrong decision is the only one you can make; you would never put a nation before your brother, but surely the welfare of the masses outweighs that of a single person?

But the more i read, the more i teach myself, the more i realise that if there are reasons for the evils of the world, if we can trace the roots, we must be able to return to those roots & fix it. 

There must be a way.

There must be a way. 

There must be a way. 

That's the mantra circulating through my head, keeping it at peace with the absolute anger for what we've done. I asked a friend last night what could be done, how, how?? There have been great leaders in the past who have changed the world forever, why am i constantly told that nothing i do will make a difference, that morality will get me nowhere, that i am naive, have much to learn & should keep my head down & concern myself with my own business? What about Martin Luther King? What about Ghandi?

"Ah well, Ghandi, he was different. He removed himself from being human, from everything humans want & strive for; a wife, children, notable success, eating. When you have nothing, no weaknesses, what have you to lose?"

Of course.

So why not? Anything is worth improving the human race, anything is worth stopping lies about hunger, war, stopping the wrongs that women suffer in the hands of cowardly men, & taking the spotlight off money- it is not the be all & end all of our lives.

I'll do it. I'm going to make a plan.

Orchid.

p.s

"Girls can wear jeans.

Cut their hair short.

Wear shirts & things...

Because it's okay to be a boy.

But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading,

Because you think that being a girl is degrading.

But secretly

You'd love to know what it's like."

Bailar: Bailo, Bailas, Bailamos.

Monday

Biochemistry

Hari Krishna

Library

Dinner

Salsa

Brie

Rice

Study

Bed.

Wick

Even i'm getting tired of listening to myself. I'll commend myself with a trophy if i manage to stay in a good mood for longer than 24 hours.

I've been trying to study.

It's failing.

You never think people fail uni, but even though i'm giving this my all, i could easily fail. & there's no teachers to help, no past papers to perfect, no guarantees this is worth it.

I was really excited about going to Rebel Bingo last night, but because London transport & the weekend simply do not want to cooperate, there was no viable way of getting there, although of course, the night bus goes practically door to door. You can't get the night bus until after 11.

I was really looking forward to having Chloe & Rupert round for a dinner party tonight. They got lost, stuck in traffic, & by that time tesco was closed so i had to magic up a meal, & they could only stay for a couple of hours.

It was great.

Now they're gone.

I don't think i've gone back to square one, i think i'm just stuck between two worlds at the moment, i don't want to leave anybody behind or forget anybody, & i don't want to have only myself to blame if i don't have anybody here, which is a tricky balancing act. But it isn't working. 

It really is like a candle burning at both ends.

Real fast.

This i say wanting no sympathy from anybody, including myself, but i really believe that i'm going to be alone forever. The surrounded by people, but still totally isolated scenario.

Whatever.

Orchid.

Pitch

Holy crap i've turned into an actual student- yesterday i went to the bathroom in the library, which i think i now spend more time in than my room, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror & thought 'Oh my God what happened to you??'

I never would have dared leave the house before if i was even wearing my glasses, & now look at me, glasses, hair all over the place, not a smudge of makeup to be seen. Not to mention that i had been carrying a bookbag.

I'm in a dancing mood right now, & luckily i'm going to a bingo rave tonight. Because i'm cool.

To add to my good mood, i just found a tent peg in my bag.

Orchid.

Helium

It's funny, so i wrote my last post, went to sleep & the next day things just began to look up. Well, nothing really changed in substance, but something clicked. Every morning so far, i'd woken up in a brilliant mood, thinking that "today is going to be fabulous" & yet it would always descend into apathy or anger. Tuesday was different. One of those days where you wake up & you so haven't forgotten what you felt like pre-dreamtime. I'm guessing things could only have got better at that stage, so they did. After a day of lectures i headed down to Carnaby Street in search of some yarns & needles. The shop was closed, but i certainly discovered one of the most beautiful places here- i now understand what pretentious magazines mean by finding London Gems. This was one of them; down the entire street, suspended between shops, were giant heart-shaped helium balloons in a boho-tack style with 'peace' 'love' 'joy' & 'hope' written across them. I'm taking it as a sign.

I then met up with Alice from school, who also goes to UCL I haven't seen anywhere near enough of her, but that's not to say we aren't still really close. We attempted to find the knitting group, which failed, so we came back to my halls as soon as i realised i had popcorn kernels & that we both secretly love sweet & salty together. We talked about how much we hate it here, how homesick we are, how we don't go out, & how 'out' should definitely include things like communal popcorn. It was nice.

Unfortunately, or it turns out, fortunately one of my floor-mates caught a little bit of the conversation. He's always been really jokingly mean to me, so it was weird when he was actually really concerned. But much appreciated. It was weird also because me & Alice had also said that what sucks the most is that you can't talk to anybody here about how you feel because there's a certain boundary you have to pass before you lean on people, i've heard so many people here being so unsympathetic towards others. But there i was pouring my heart out to someone i've known for a little while. If i have any talents to my name, it has to be putting on an extremely happy front: "But i just had no idea you were so down, you're always so smiley."

So that's definite, solid friend number one. He said it himself.

And waking up on Wednesday morning started well & ended well, with a hearty guitar-vocals-organ midnight jam with a couple of guys here, lots & lots of Michael Jackson. Excluding a hiccup in which i was absolutely traumatised by a film screening of Dirty Pretty Things about the underground kidney-fake passport industry in London. My God we have a lot to sort out.

A hell of a lot.

Orchid.

Orchid.

Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi

I haven't forgotten about writing, nor have i been too lazy. I just wanted to write in a positive frame of mind, but it seems that joy eludes me, so here we go.

I hate everything.

I hate university, i hate the fact that i am nice to everybody & yet i highly doubt anyone would care if i lived or died. I hate the fact that the other day, as a break, i got on my hands & knees & cleaned the bloody floor. I hate that now i'm gone, my mother has literally nobody to speak to, as my sister has apparently turned into a cow in the last month. I hate that even my sister couldn't care less, & that the only times she'll bother to engage in conversation with me is to tell me that she wants my room & i should accept that i'm not part of our home anymore. Oh & 'i'm only coming to see you if i can bring my friend. We want to go shopping.' I hate that the only place i have to cry is in the shower.

I thought it would be a great idea the other day, to go & meet up with the art trip from school at the Royal Academy so i could see the exhibition, my teachers, & Leo. All i gained from it was being completely blanked by someone who i consider to be one of my nearest & dearest, who didn't even look me in the eye after i had to ask her to say hello to me, & that i have lost all artistic technique i had slaved away building up through high school. Or at least that i cannot draw whilst shaking with anger. So we can conclude that friends in my case are quite literally, neither here nor there. 

It's truly tragic that my highlight of last week was a 2 hour phone conversation with Chloe in which we just listed everything we hate, everyone we hate (including a male hitlist) , & all the things we wish we could do but can't. Mine is depressingly long; i cannot:

Draw,

Think,

Believe,

Invent,

Write creatively,

Write academically,

Count,

Learn,

Cook,

Make friends,

Keep my mouth shut,

See,

Get a decent grade in a test i spent 3 solid days in the library for,

Paint,

Run,

Have style,

Sing,

Dance,

Act,

Smile.

It is equally tragic that i don't think i have ever been as excited as i am right now, that i am going to a knitting circle tomorrow night.

I cannot put into words just how much i loathe being here. I wish so much that i could just live by myself in some forest, or in a temple, & just help people & be kind, & give absolutely all that i can. Above all i wish i had the opportunity give my life to selflessness. But i just can't do it. Or at least not for 3, long, wastes of years.

Fish

Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam,

Sunbeams are not made like me.

David

Halloween is over; it's officially Christmas.

Sunday night was a solid improvement on the day, & even though i am now paying for the 3 movies i watched consecutively with my floor-friends, it was much needed. Yesterday was a complete waste of a day. I hate doing nothing productive. I did however receive something that made me smile in the post. I'd lost my first student ID card weeks ago, so i was a little baffled when i found it in an envelope, along with a note:

"Dear Orchid,

I found your card a few weeks ago, i'm sorry for the delay in posting it. I'm sure you have a new one by now!

I'm not sure which course you're studying but good luck- i'm enclosing my business card just in case you're looking for a job after graduation (this is how i got my first job!)

Sincerely"

I'm not entirely sure why that made my day.

So now i've really got to bite the bullet & start working for this goddamn Biochemistry exam. It's the kind of difficult where you think & grit your teeth for so hard & so long without achieving anything that you actually feel nauseous by the end of it. It's okay though, i just got back from Oxford Circus where they turned on the lights so that will last me long enough in terms of fun points. Peter Andre, Taio Cruz, & the Saturdays 'performed', with speeches from Boris Johnson (who we literally bumped into afterwards) & Jim Carey. The small things really are what makes life; the Christmas songs in between with the whole crowd singing along horrendously out of key, feeling a little bit like a T-mobile advert, dancing like gimps, the weather getting slightly colder, waffles after the show...

:D

Orchid

Solitaire

Today started off as a 'the rain can't stop me!' day. I'm am now shaking with cold & wet, & slightly shaken from the past few hours. At about 10am this morning, i headed off to Brick Lane in East London, which i had never been to before but had heard is amazing. I think it was a bad sign when the old man who sat beside me on the bus kept almost pressing the bell everytime i looked like i might want to get off, & as expected, did follow suit when i stood up at Bethnal Green. I managed to lose him & find the market... retrospectively i would rather have hung out with him than discover that the market was ridden with sleazy men, & only men, & nobody else was in sight. It didn't take even two minutes for probably the creepiest man i have ever met to start following me, asking me what size i was, 'you'd look even more beautiful in this', & eventually asking me if i wanted to go for a coffee after i was done shopping.

No.

I think i went into about five different places in a really random order & didn't look behind me, ever, & each time i passed a stall, had various comments thrown out at me. No cash, no cash machines, no breakfast, no water, no umbrella, coat or anyone. 

A few miles' walk later & i'm home. I would give anything in this world not to have to be a girl in it.

Orchid

With Just A Dash Of Formaldehyde

What's weirder than things that are weird, are things that really should be weird, but aren't at all. Apparently, cutting up dead bodies falls into this category.

If you ever get into a dissection room, a few things to bear in mind:

Nipples are creepy. For some bizarre reason, you don't seem to register that it's a real human being until you see their nipples.

Don't get a fat person. Fat is a) scary b) impossible to get off.

Try not to remember Halloween while you've got a corpse in front of you... poor timing much?

And...

It isn't a lie, the first & only thing you think of at the end is "Need. Food. Now." Formaldehyde really kicks off your appetite.

The most striking element of the session was handling the brain. It's so small. To think that the world is run by so little mass, & such a seemingly randomly ordered bunch of cells is mind blowing. It's stunning at both extremes; just how much electricity is shooting around the brain every split second, & then to think of how many thoughts its owner must have had in their lifetime, what just an innocent looking lump of pink could have imagined, envisioned, could have done & given to the world.

Dude.

Things are good, winter is close, we're still spinning eastward.

Orchid

Pink

If i were somebody else, i might fall in love with me.

I listened to 'Nicest Thing' today & it made me cry; i don't think it made me sad, just pensive. 

I wore grown-up clothes to my interview today, but i may as well have been 5 years old, feet too small in my Mother's highest heels & her pinkest lipstick all over my skin. As soon as i'm home again, i'm going to go fruit-picking, by myself. 

Hopefully it'll be raining.

I don't want to leave this until i look like the insane lady who goes fruit-picking by herself thinking about the world, &, i guess, stuff. 

I'll do that a lot before i'm not allowed anymore.

Last night was good, i gave up trying to find people with similar interests to me so i went to a gig at Ronnie Scotts by myself, & made friends there. Might even see them again. The word 'duh' came to mind when an A&R guy & i realised that if he is obligated to go to certain gigs & ends up going by himself, & i want to get to know the scene here better & nobody at uni does, we could work as a team at this (:

Orchid

Tally

It's quite intriguing to watch peoples' behaviour more carefully, once you realise that a bunch of kids removed from the real world respond similarly to inmates of a chaotic prison; everybody seems to be dipping toes across the border separating the norm from mild insanity. Some people have been thrilled to discover that they can fold their own ears into themselves, others now find it mandatory to creep people out with their new-found talent of eyelid reversal, & the talent show winner has to be the whistle-hum. To top it off, for the past three nights, talking to different people into the early hours of the morning has ended in the classic question: 'So would you ever eat your own placenta?' I wonder if i too am about to crack, or if i have, when, how?

Maybe the fact that i'm now apparently logging everybody's moves is my answer.

Oh well.

Orchid

FM

I feel really shiny (:

Not in a gross way, i feel sunshiny, starshiny.

Shiny.

In short i had our room to myself today, & managed to fix my radio & had all my notes organised from last night's mindless filing. The result? I could make really useful notes that i really understand, while dancing around to awful chart music, with the sun glaring through the window, while in between adding to my wall collage.

Yeah (:

I haven't been able to do that in almost a month now. Well, i wouldn't have missed the work, but nothing in the world is as good as a little Sunday radio dancing with absolutely nobody in the world to see how ridiculous you look in your Sunday Worst.

It's letter-writing time now.

Dear whoever...

Orchid

E.T.

When i saw my mother last Sunday, she said to me 'Just look forward. Oxford is still there, all the people are still there, they're all getting on with their same old lives, it will still all be in tact while you're not here.'

Within 24 hours this week, i found out that one of my friends is single & pregnant, another two have broken up, & one of my best friends has been hurt beyond what should ever be allowed, & worst of all by another one of my friends. I can't count how many times i've said 'i just don't know what to say, i just don't.'

Conversely, life is good at my end. Along with dissections, debates, & drama productions to look forward to, i have a job interview coming up... let's just say it'll be quite liberating. 

It's good to feel at worst, okay, for once. Even though everything has panned out now so that events don't waver far from the so-so, right now i'm cool with not having any AMAZING times, if it means i don't feel lower than low either. Halfway through last week i got halfway through packing everything up to leave, quit, whatever. I was warned against going home, but i just had to; i certainly saw the results. Things have to get worse before they get better. I don't know at what point i saw sense, but i'm still here so something must have clicked. I think Ciaran must have called me at just the right time, thank you.

At 9am on Sunday morning, my mother called me, telling me to come downstairs... to find her, two of her friends & my sister standing in the foyer with bags of stuff for me. That's dedication (: We went to the Hair Show, a London Fashion Week equivalent for salons, which was amazing. I adore being in that kind of high powered environment, seeing so many driven people with their 'skinny lattes' & heels clicking, & watching it rush past me. As long as i don't have to be one. As long as i can still be a small town girl in the big City, as long as i can hold doors open, smile at people on the street, all the people on the street, as long as i can spare a few seconds everytime i walk down a street to look up; nobody ever looks anywhere but straight ahead, the line of fire here. As long as i know what i want to give, & who i am, nothing else matters.

Does it?

Orchid

Ruby Red

10th-11th October 2009

The best weekend ever.

There's no place like home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home

Orchid.

Salamander

I'm currently quite obnoxiously restless; i'm just so happy to be going home & at the same time, everything is just so good here... maybe more so because i know i'm not stuck here for the weekend. I'm getting really good & efficient at domestic stuff like cooking. Last night i did uber cheap shopping at Sainsbury's then made dinner & prepared the pancake mix for this morning, at the same time as doing the washing up. Maybe i am a 'real girl'. After years of being pushed to my limits & beyond academically, i'm finding note-taking in lectures far easier than everybody else, & i can write so fast... i get my kicks...

Oh & guess who's at, currently, the fourth best university in the world, ranking above Oxford?
Personally, i'm not buying it, numbers & figures don't really mean much to me here, i highly doubt we're doing better, but it works out, so nobody's complaining here.

I've been really indecisive about when to go back, partly because i have a lot of work to be doing, partly because i really want to see some friends when i'm back (which will be difficult if i go home first as my Mom will keep me at home for as long as she possibly can, & feed me as much as i can possibly consume) & partly because i have a feeling there have been quite a few arguments at home & while i want to be with my family for as long as i can, i also don't want to get caught up in what i've been trying to get away from; i have enough to be dealing with as it is. Especially if they're not going to let me help.

Had a jam last night, a boring geography lecture this morning, & a really interesting anatomy lecture straight after, especially the embryology division of it.


Salamanders don't have lungs, they breathe through their skin.



Orchid.

Hole

Leaving the library yesterday, i rang Greg. We talked for over an hour, bye-bye minutes, hello massive phone bill, but it was all for the greater good. Or so i thought. Being on the phone, for the first time in far too long talking to somebody who actually knows me, who doesn't even need to hear the words to know what i mean (although sometimes i come out with things that are so bizarre i wouldn't be surprised if nobody in the world understood) made me feel really happy.
It's amazing how 2 seconds after hanging up i felt far, far worse than i have done here so far; in fact i'd been in a pretty good mood for a while. Bumping into people i guess i would call friends by now, & i'd laugh, dance, but as soon as i'd be by myself again i'd just collapse back into isolation. This all ended in calling my mother for the third time yesterday, when i realised i don't just miss her, i was almost pining for her; i was reminded of the chicks i had when i was younger & how, if you put them apart in the grass, they would run, run, to find each other again, or how if they were outside & i shut the door inside, they'd chirp to the point where it'd break your heart not to open the door & pick them up. They'd instantly fall asleep in my hand afterwards. I cried a lot down the phone. I guess i've been trying to see how long i could hold out for, trying to force myself into dealing with not being at home, after all, it's immature & childish to feel homesick, right?
I'm going home as soon as possible.
Adam on my floor dragged me away from my statistics (as if anyone needs to be dragged away from that) and we had a little jam in his room, a lot of Red Hot Chilli Peppers. You always seem to forget that overplayed mainstream bands are sometimes overplayed & mainstream for a very good reason.
And today is a gorgeous day, had my first geography lecture with a gorgeous lecturer (; having done some housework in the morning. Hey, check me out. Washed all my clothes by hand, don't you know. The geography lecture was awesome, i think i'm really going to enjoy this module. It's basically human ecology but takes a little more anthropology & philosophy into account. I then had a statistics lesson, & now i'm about to go food shopping, followed by a lecture given by a man who used to be a refugee & is now a judge of refugee law.

Crazy stuff.

Orchid

And you'll sleep til May...

Wow.
The view outside my window defines the word bleak.
It's bizarre because i usually love rain, especially when it pours, but concrete really does seem to extinguish the beauty of it. My life would be so much more fun if i wasn't so moved by things like the weather & the first song i hear in a day, but hey, it's a creative head-start in any case, as was just proved by a chalk drawing i did absent-mindedly, which turned out to be quite beautiful.

I definitely need to start posting to this more regularly as my memory really is starting to fail me; part of the reason i started this was because whenever people asked me what i did this summer i'd be a little lost, but i must've done something because i barely ever sit around doing nothing.
So what i assume happened on monday evening was that i went to the film soc opening meeting, attempted to go to two others but somewhere along the line, this failed. I also assume i bumped into a couple of people i'd met in freshers and had a nice conversation with them or something, because i distinctly remember thinking hey, this week is definitely looking up. Under the assumption that i'd go home & get a much needed early night, i became trapped in a rather fun but tame kitchen party. Our floor is a bit weird in that the general norm for anybody in halls anywhere, is that your floor-mates become your instant best friends, even if only superficially & for the first couple of weeks, however we didn't fit into this. We all just kind of banded together out of (slightly conservative) convenience, but i think i can truthfully say that our friendships aren't deep at all, but very genuine.

Yesterday was one of those epic (in the truest sense of the word) days when in your mind, it could easily have spanned to 3 days.
9 o clock anatomy lecture.
Private study in the library for a few hours.
Lunch.
Statistics.
Kitchen chats.
Timetabled sleep.
Labour soc welcome party.
More film soc.
More sleep.
Cooking.
Dinner.
Shower.
Get dressed.
More kitchen chats.
Long tube journey.
MATTER.
Walking to bus station.
Waiting for bus.
Trying to get on damn bus.
Bus driver kicks us all off & makes us form an orderly line.
Board. Flipping. Bus.
Hour & half bus journey.
Walking back to halls.
6 o clock sleep.
9 oclock lecture.

Phew.

Good lecture today, and i got more sleep afterwards. I woke up & dragged my heels to Model United Nations (why the hell did i sign up to so many things?) & had a freakin. brilliant. time.

I definitely, fosho, hands down, would love a job like that. And it turns out i can speak in public, and think fast enough to back/ tear apart someone else's argument, i just never thought i could because, frankly, at school i still would have been ripped to shreds by the rest of my year.

Found my calling, much?

Bread

My feet. Ow, my feet.

In the 24 hours before 12 pm yesterday, i think i may have walked approximately 15 miles. The tube map is definitely NOT to scale & you cannot gauge how long the walk will be by using your finger & thumb & multiplying/ dividing as required. We'll get to this later.


On friday night, i made a loaf of bread. I am now officially a domestic goddess, although admittedly Jo from my floor did save the dough a few times. That, & finding out that certain fish can change sex was hands down the highlight of my day.

On saturday, Chloe & Rupert came to visit me; we agreed to meet at Notting Hill gate, to go to Portabello Market. I walked there & back, & by the end of that i was ready to go to sleep at 8 pm. The day was really good, i did tear up a little as we parted, because i was reminded of how great my friends are & how i still haven't encountered anyone like them in the slightest. I mean, who else would appreciate 'Bepanthen Bird, cacaw, cacaw!' Oh man. When i eventually got back, i rang Harriet from the Slade (art school) to see if she was busy that night; i figured she'd be up for something low key. It turned out that her bike had been stolen, & she was feeling pretty 2 out of 10 so i started to make my way to her halls, in Camden. I felt bad for her when i heard about her bike, but even worse when i realised just how much of a trek it is for her to get to the uni & back by foot. We ended up having a wine & cheese party, gatecrashing a kitchen party & then returning to our cheese having discovered that the party was fairly lame.

I walked back from Camden in the morning, had a shower & then went to Waterloo to meet Caroline, a family friend & also Bison's sister (far too much effort has to go into me referring to him as Richard). South Bank is beautiful, i'm going to make sure to hang out there more often. The day was really really nice, probably mainly because i treated myslef to public transport, the first time i'd used it all week. It was slightly surreal though to be in the City, spending the day with a 'young professional' in such a high-brow corner of the world. But seriously, one of the best days i've had so far, it's just worrying that all of those 'best days' have been with people i already know. Oh well.

I had my first for-real lecture this morning, which i'd actually been looking forward to. It turned out to be however, something like '400 mph Chemistry for Idiots' as i knew it all & it was really easy, but if you'd never done chemistry before you'd be screwed because it was so fast paced. I'm slightly scared if that's what the rest of the course is going to be like :/

After bumping into Alice, which was great as i haven't seen her despite making countless plans for London adventures when we both got our offers, & getting free passes to Raindance Film Festival (WIN), & grabbing lunch, i headed to Oxford Street. Mistake.

I almost don't even want to ever speak of this again. In short, i hate shopping, nothing suits me & what probably would, i need a credit card to so much as look at it. Not to mention how slowly people in front of you walk... i'm pretty sure i'm only this restless & crappy because of the rain.

First Great Western is calling, i think i'm going to need to come back to Oxford for a bit very soon, & at the very least see some grass & pick up my knitting to calm myself down with. Alternatively, i might join the Buddist temple down my street.

Orchid

Green Man

The first thing i properly learned here was that the Green Man lies.

As a road-crossingly-challenged human, i have to go to great efforts to cross at designated crossings, & i figured in London this is especially important. Alas, i dutifully wait for the traffic lights to change, & two seconds later the Green Man, a fabulous escape artist, has been fleetingly replaced by its Red counterpart, and cars jump into action, returning to the ultimate goal of innocent-pedestrian homicide.

The second thing is that cars here will NOT stop for anything, & that the speed limit is an arbitary term, apparently.

Things have definately improved; on tuesday i did something i rarely do, & that was to mope around. I had a little cry & then decided i needed a distraction, so i phoned Al from school. We have never really been friends as such, but we chatted occaisionally if we bumped into each other at school. I had never been happier to see anybody in my life. It turned out, we were both having a pretty crap time at freshers, & that although we'd have fun, it would all boil down to crap again. Afterward i went to a photo session & in the que i managed to get to know a few people on my course. I think i really am going to enjoy lectures with them, which was confirmed by the course social later that evening. I'd had tickets for Egg that night, but boycotted it & followed my course people to a different club, the Roxy, for their indie night. It turned out to be an awesome night due to decent music & the company of people who are actually willing to dance. Before the event i'd taken a walk in the same area, which is basically my street, & by the end of the night it did feel a little like my own neighbourhood. The day had improved rapidly from when i left my room; the only thing to taint it was my growing frustration at how trendy the people on my street are, & how it's really obvious that my clothes are cheap & my style sucks in comparison, whereas back home i would have considered myself reasonably individual. The area is full of PR girls & rich indie kids & vintage junkies & suave businessmen & it really is a bit of a culture shock.

I came back home & i have a feeling i spent hours in the kitchen afterwards, but all of those sessions have merged into one, so who knows.

On wednesday we had more induction things, & again i can't be precisely sure of what i did for the rest of the day but the evening was definitely a lot of fun. I went to soho for dinner with Marie (my roommate) & i went on a hunt for cheap dinner in soho, which was really good. In that time i got a few phone calls from people to come out/ stay in with them (& stay in means kitchen party) but the last one i got was from Ophelia, the girl i walked back with from Koko. I figured freshers week was still negative fun for her, & as i still haven't forgotten just how much it can suck, i lied & told her i had no plans & met up with her instead. We went to the main uni quad, which looks a hell of a lot like Washington, & sat on the steps & talked for ages. I can see why she's not been having a whale of a time; she's on a totally different level from the average young person, & far more interesting.
We realised after a while that we'd got locked in, so having found security man, we returned to our separate halls, & thinking i'd just go get some water from the kitchen, i ended up doing an all-nighter talking to Alex from my floor when everyone else went to bed. It's amazing how after one night of deep conversation, the type that you can only achieve at that point in tiredness where your thoughts are shockingly bizarre, how much more you can get to know somebody.

I got to the morning lecture on time, in which i fell asleep, & then followed the people from my course to the biochem meeting- i LOVE our lecturer. I aspire to be like her, honestly.
Having trudged through freshers fayre (biggest in the country apparently), signed up to about 20 societies (all the political ones for the hell of it, all the art ones to refill the hole where i used to hold painting & photography so dear, & a few others) & bumped into the people i'd met on the first night (they apparently don't hate me & have really missed me), i returned to my room to finally unpack properly & eat. I had nothing to do & literally everybody had tickets for this parent-approved-style rave, so i rang up Katherine, who went to my school & is in second year here. She's been giving me loads of advice since i got my offer, but i hadn't seen her since the move, so it was great to go to her new apartment. I hadn't been in a home for ages & it was really quite awesome to just sit in her room talking with her housemates & her. We then went to the union, which isn't half bad actually, & finally brought her & Rebecca (the italian, awesome ousemate) back to my halls. We made hot chocolate, which is always win. What is even more win, & doubt much else could be more win than this, was breaking out of the 7th floor & climbing onto the roof. You can see all of London from there, it really is breathtaking.

Today i got a lot of much-needed sleep, followed by a tour of the library. On the way to the next lecture, i bumped into Harriet from the Slade art school in UCL & got her to come along to our lecture- "what sex really means". It was SO amazing; it reminded me why i love science & that, at least academically, university iswhat i've always wanted.
The gallery we went to afterwards with one of her friends from her foundation course was really, really cool collection by Ryan McGingley. We went for coffee afterwards & now i'm back doing this. I'm about to go food shopping because i realised as soon as i tried to cook, that i have a hell of a lot of good food in the cupboard, but absolutly no combination of ingredients i can make anything out of.

I'm not looking forward to this... XD

Orchid

.

I don't even know where to start. Friday was nice, i went round Vic's for a bazillion episodes of inbetweeners with Sam & Stoo & Rach, but i guess i also didn't get to see Liv or Melissa before i went away.

On saturday, Yasmine & her dad brought me to uni, which proved to be ridiculously stressful & more so with her dad there. He's basically out to make my life hell & stop me from ever making friends. With him around i may as well have 'Dickhead' tattooed across my forhead. Or a badge that says "Hi, i'm WILL". Basically the residence people forgot that they built a kitchen where my room was meant to be so i had to move around for a bit. Me & my roommate did actually end up getting an awesome deal though; they put us in the studio flat, & though it's cramped as it's only meant for one (if very large) person, it's got it's own bathroom & fridge. Yasmine's dad took us to Ikea... my roommate is swedish, fml. She's also 24, so there's a massive age gap, but she is lovely which is a relief more than anything. She went to bed as soon as we got back & there was absolutely nobody else moved in on our floor yet so i went into the lift, shut my eyes & pressed a number. I ended up on floor two, where i met loads of awesome people; there are a huge number of exchange students at the moment, which is really sad as they're real nice but will be gone by december. Apart from one girl who's 17, i was the youngest there which was a surprise. Everybody else was at least almost 20, & because apparently it's really odd that i wandered down to the 2nd floor, i was adopted as their mascot. That floor is now really cliquey & so my postion has been erased. Which is fine.

My mama came down on Sunday to properly see me settled in so we hung out for a bit, & apparently in that amount of time i missed out on making a hell of a lot of friends. I went to enroll & met some really cool people along the way on a different block. I need to re-find them, they were really nice.

I told myself i was really going to make a fresh start  with study skills etc at uni; always be on time, be organised etc etc. I lost my student ID within one hour of getting it. FML.

When i came back to my halls i bumped into some crazy art kids, a couple of which didn't even go to our uni. I had nothing better to do so i tagged along & we ended up finding an outdoor gym which was surreal but so cool. Unfortunately they all went to Central St Martins together & are really tight-knit, so that was a bit of a lonely excursion. I got back in time for the welcome meeting for our halls, where i met some lovely people but whom i haven't seen since. I then got ready to go to Koko, which i bought tickets for because i knew it has a good rep. We walked to camden for it (we being a random collection of people from our block who had tix) & when we got inside it was packed, absolutely couldn't move style packed. So when all they play is chart music remixed & you can't move to dance, what's the point? I went to sit down for a bit on the bench bit in the bathroom & again, met nice people. This girl walked in, looking like she was about to cry; it turned out she had been dragged along by her halls people & in fact hated clubbing & drinking. We made an executive decision to leave asap & walked back. Her halls are around the corner from mine so it was safe.

Yesterday was the best & worst day so far. The best because i ended up going to a campaign meeting with said crazy art kids, to fight cuts that are due to be made at the uni. Christ, i've only been there a day. They are really politically minded though, & i definitely admire them. Also because my course people who i met for the first time seem alright at the very least. Also because i FINALLY found muscially minded people. Also because i now have London mentor (unofficially) who showed me things like how to get around london for free, which side of things to stand on, how to glare at the Oxford St newspaper distributor people. & he's kinda cute. 

The worst however because i need to put some movies onto mini DV for the damn film comp which i've been working at for a year & a half now & which i've already submitted stuff for- & since last year apple have changed the firewire ports on the macbook so i can't do that. & now, after all that hard work i can't enter the competition. The deadline is tomorrow, so there's not even a point. So anyway, i went to look for someone with the right lead & there was basically nobody in at all, & then i was ignored by the 2nd floor people, how inane. So for the first time since i moved i was left with nothing to do, all alone & felt so homesick, friendsick, i miss being somewhere where everybody knows who i am, where i know the scene, where there are trees & grass, where i don't have to try. Also because i keep forgetting to eat & then when i remembered last night, it was already late & it took me 2 hours to cook some rice because my rice cooker was being fickle with when it was going to work & when it was going to fail. Also because i found out that a fresher died at Koko while i was there, which is well & truly tragic.

Everybody i've met who i want to be friends with i haven't seen again, or they fall into one of the following categories; 

1. 3rd years. They will soon have tons of work & will also be gone by the end of this year.

2. Exchange students. They will also be gone by the end of this year at the latest.

3. International students. I can't speak chinese.

4. Medics. They are at continuous special medic things together as they have to know each other for the next 7 years. Once those socials are over they will be swamped with work & permanently unavailable.

5. Art kids. Will be swamped with work. Also are all already friends, & quite exclusively so.

Basically, FML. 

 

And your hands, they shake with goodbyes.

Okay, maybe a little odd to start blogging now, or at all in fact; i've never been one to keep a diary and certainly being the type of person to sit at home writing while everyone else has been out, i've had the chance to, but i'm also quite backwards, so right now, when i'm going to be more busy than i ever have been in my life, i decide to start this. Slow clapping time.
I figured it'd be quite neat timing though as i've been quite snug in my coccoon & refusing to budge for a long time, but i actually took the plunge & am going to uni in the most far out of my comfort zone place in the world... London should be interesting to say the least.
Goodbyes have been bizarre but all i seem to be doing at the moment. I realised i desperately needed to see some people before i go about 2 weeks ago, & crazily enough it's my friends from school that i've been trying really hard to find. I spent so much of school thinking i didn't fit in, & when i finally did make some really solid friendships, i still felt as if i still wasn't quite in the right place. Hell, i was wrong. I love everyone so much & now cannot fathom how anyone else will put up with me, or understand me the way they did. And maybe i should have gone to Kukui with them, even if it is the pinnacle of crap!
Friday i went for a last minute coffee with Sophia; seeing her saying goodbye to Bo, even if it was only for the nest few hours, really made me realise that this is actually it. Saturday was my last day at work, which, unlike the vast majority of saturday girls in the world, i loved to pieces. Afterwards i made my way to pizza express for a 'last supper' with my friends from the High, saying a final goodbye to Nikki, among others who i assumed i'd see again but haven't. On monday i went back to school which was lovely, my teachers love me, mahaha. I paid Leo a visit in the art block as well, & then headed to Ivy's shed & talked about Lolita- SUCH a good book.
Tuesday i spent the day with Rachel- i miss her so much already & will definitely be 'raving' it up in cambridge with her asap. Hot chocolates with Sophie in the afternoon & then i returned home for some more packing (it never ends). Yesterday was stressful with MORE packing. In the end i gave up & went to Greg's, finally. We walked to town & having planned on going to the randolph for tea (cheaper than starbucks, sweardown), pizza express, the cinema, maxwells... we went to branos. Yeahhh. Because i'm an idiot & forget that i do not have the physical prowess of a cat, i suggested we climb up to one of the window ledges outside the Bod. We sat there for a bit, judging everyone walking past while they judged us for... climbing skills? Sang along to Panic, loudly. Sat in some silence, comfortably. Parfait. We walked back to Kennington & to THE swings, which is one of my favourite places in Oxford. Sweet.
And damn you Greg, i cried.
I put myself through more organisation today, but kept myself sane by seeing Ben at lunchtime. Ben = win. Saying bye to Ben = whyyyy?
Chloe came to pick me up at 7 ish as we planned to go for dinner at a pub in Appleton... we got quite close to Henley & still hadn't found Appleton so we looped round & ended up back on Boars Hill... we carried on down into the most random private roads, surrounded by trees when Chlo suddenly goes 'oh, i know where we are!'. So we get to Appleton... in Chlo's mind. We got to Wooton. We carried on driving & ended up almost on the way to Bristol, when in bright shiny lights we suddenly saw the pub. We are amazing, & that is why. It was one of the best drives ever though. Dinner was lovely & Chlo dropped me back off home... it took about 5 minutes. Lol, is all i can say.

I'm really really full of love right now, if that makes any sense. I am in a constant state of welling up. Tomorrow will be fun then (;

I don't promise to keep this up properly, but i promise to try.

Orchid