Horse

My brain is in a weird state right now where it's not between, but simultaneously extremely calm & serene, & also frantic & whirring & close to explosive.

There is so much i want to change about the world; it took me this long to remember that 'if you want something done, do it yourself' applies to the vast majority of situations. The more i read, & believe me that's all i've been doing for the past few weeks, the more i feel disgusted at humanity, & that there really are no good guys. And also, & most depressingly, that sometimes the wrong decision is the only one you can make; you would never put a nation before your brother, but surely the welfare of the masses outweighs that of a single person?

But the more i read, the more i teach myself, the more i realise that if there are reasons for the evils of the world, if we can trace the roots, we must be able to return to those roots & fix it. 

There must be a way.

There must be a way. 

There must be a way. 

That's the mantra circulating through my head, keeping it at peace with the absolute anger for what we've done. I asked a friend last night what could be done, how, how?? There have been great leaders in the past who have changed the world forever, why am i constantly told that nothing i do will make a difference, that morality will get me nowhere, that i am naive, have much to learn & should keep my head down & concern myself with my own business? What about Martin Luther King? What about Ghandi?

"Ah well, Ghandi, he was different. He removed himself from being human, from everything humans want & strive for; a wife, children, notable success, eating. When you have nothing, no weaknesses, what have you to lose?"

Of course.

So why not? Anything is worth improving the human race, anything is worth stopping lies about hunger, war, stopping the wrongs that women suffer in the hands of cowardly men, & taking the spotlight off money- it is not the be all & end all of our lives.

I'll do it. I'm going to make a plan.

Orchid.

p.s

"Girls can wear jeans.

Cut their hair short.

Wear shirts & things...

Because it's okay to be a boy.

But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading,

Because you think that being a girl is degrading.

But secretly

You'd love to know what it's like."

Bailar: Bailo, Bailas, Bailamos.

Monday

Biochemistry

Hari Krishna

Library

Dinner

Salsa

Brie

Rice

Study

Bed.

Wick

Even i'm getting tired of listening to myself. I'll commend myself with a trophy if i manage to stay in a good mood for longer than 24 hours.

I've been trying to study.

It's failing.

You never think people fail uni, but even though i'm giving this my all, i could easily fail. & there's no teachers to help, no past papers to perfect, no guarantees this is worth it.

I was really excited about going to Rebel Bingo last night, but because London transport & the weekend simply do not want to cooperate, there was no viable way of getting there, although of course, the night bus goes practically door to door. You can't get the night bus until after 11.

I was really looking forward to having Chloe & Rupert round for a dinner party tonight. They got lost, stuck in traffic, & by that time tesco was closed so i had to magic up a meal, & they could only stay for a couple of hours.

It was great.

Now they're gone.

I don't think i've gone back to square one, i think i'm just stuck between two worlds at the moment, i don't want to leave anybody behind or forget anybody, & i don't want to have only myself to blame if i don't have anybody here, which is a tricky balancing act. But it isn't working. 

It really is like a candle burning at both ends.

Real fast.

This i say wanting no sympathy from anybody, including myself, but i really believe that i'm going to be alone forever. The surrounded by people, but still totally isolated scenario.

Whatever.

Orchid.

Pitch

Holy crap i've turned into an actual student- yesterday i went to the bathroom in the library, which i think i now spend more time in than my room, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror & thought 'Oh my God what happened to you??'

I never would have dared leave the house before if i was even wearing my glasses, & now look at me, glasses, hair all over the place, not a smudge of makeup to be seen. Not to mention that i had been carrying a bookbag.

I'm in a dancing mood right now, & luckily i'm going to a bingo rave tonight. Because i'm cool.

To add to my good mood, i just found a tent peg in my bag.

Orchid.

Helium

It's funny, so i wrote my last post, went to sleep & the next day things just began to look up. Well, nothing really changed in substance, but something clicked. Every morning so far, i'd woken up in a brilliant mood, thinking that "today is going to be fabulous" & yet it would always descend into apathy or anger. Tuesday was different. One of those days where you wake up & you so haven't forgotten what you felt like pre-dreamtime. I'm guessing things could only have got better at that stage, so they did. After a day of lectures i headed down to Carnaby Street in search of some yarns & needles. The shop was closed, but i certainly discovered one of the most beautiful places here- i now understand what pretentious magazines mean by finding London Gems. This was one of them; down the entire street, suspended between shops, were giant heart-shaped helium balloons in a boho-tack style with 'peace' 'love' 'joy' & 'hope' written across them. I'm taking it as a sign.

I then met up with Alice from school, who also goes to UCL I haven't seen anywhere near enough of her, but that's not to say we aren't still really close. We attempted to find the knitting group, which failed, so we came back to my halls as soon as i realised i had popcorn kernels & that we both secretly love sweet & salty together. We talked about how much we hate it here, how homesick we are, how we don't go out, & how 'out' should definitely include things like communal popcorn. It was nice.

Unfortunately, or it turns out, fortunately one of my floor-mates caught a little bit of the conversation. He's always been really jokingly mean to me, so it was weird when he was actually really concerned. But much appreciated. It was weird also because me & Alice had also said that what sucks the most is that you can't talk to anybody here about how you feel because there's a certain boundary you have to pass before you lean on people, i've heard so many people here being so unsympathetic towards others. But there i was pouring my heart out to someone i've known for a little while. If i have any talents to my name, it has to be putting on an extremely happy front: "But i just had no idea you were so down, you're always so smiley."

So that's definite, solid friend number one. He said it himself.

And waking up on Wednesday morning started well & ended well, with a hearty guitar-vocals-organ midnight jam with a couple of guys here, lots & lots of Michael Jackson. Excluding a hiccup in which i was absolutely traumatised by a film screening of Dirty Pretty Things about the underground kidney-fake passport industry in London. My God we have a lot to sort out.

A hell of a lot.

Orchid.

Orchid.

Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi

I haven't forgotten about writing, nor have i been too lazy. I just wanted to write in a positive frame of mind, but it seems that joy eludes me, so here we go.

I hate everything.

I hate university, i hate the fact that i am nice to everybody & yet i highly doubt anyone would care if i lived or died. I hate the fact that the other day, as a break, i got on my hands & knees & cleaned the bloody floor. I hate that now i'm gone, my mother has literally nobody to speak to, as my sister has apparently turned into a cow in the last month. I hate that even my sister couldn't care less, & that the only times she'll bother to engage in conversation with me is to tell me that she wants my room & i should accept that i'm not part of our home anymore. Oh & 'i'm only coming to see you if i can bring my friend. We want to go shopping.' I hate that the only place i have to cry is in the shower.

I thought it would be a great idea the other day, to go & meet up with the art trip from school at the Royal Academy so i could see the exhibition, my teachers, & Leo. All i gained from it was being completely blanked by someone who i consider to be one of my nearest & dearest, who didn't even look me in the eye after i had to ask her to say hello to me, & that i have lost all artistic technique i had slaved away building up through high school. Or at least that i cannot draw whilst shaking with anger. So we can conclude that friends in my case are quite literally, neither here nor there. 

It's truly tragic that my highlight of last week was a 2 hour phone conversation with Chloe in which we just listed everything we hate, everyone we hate (including a male hitlist) , & all the things we wish we could do but can't. Mine is depressingly long; i cannot:

Draw,

Think,

Believe,

Invent,

Write creatively,

Write academically,

Count,

Learn,

Cook,

Make friends,

Keep my mouth shut,

See,

Get a decent grade in a test i spent 3 solid days in the library for,

Paint,

Run,

Have style,

Sing,

Dance,

Act,

Smile.

It is equally tragic that i don't think i have ever been as excited as i am right now, that i am going to a knitting circle tomorrow night.

I cannot put into words just how much i loathe being here. I wish so much that i could just live by myself in some forest, or in a temple, & just help people & be kind, & give absolutely all that i can. Above all i wish i had the opportunity give my life to selflessness. But i just can't do it. Or at least not for 3, long, wastes of years.

Fish

Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam,

Sunbeams are not made like me.

David

Halloween is over; it's officially Christmas.

Sunday night was a solid improvement on the day, & even though i am now paying for the 3 movies i watched consecutively with my floor-friends, it was much needed. Yesterday was a complete waste of a day. I hate doing nothing productive. I did however receive something that made me smile in the post. I'd lost my first student ID card weeks ago, so i was a little baffled when i found it in an envelope, along with a note:

"Dear Orchid,

I found your card a few weeks ago, i'm sorry for the delay in posting it. I'm sure you have a new one by now!

I'm not sure which course you're studying but good luck- i'm enclosing my business card just in case you're looking for a job after graduation (this is how i got my first job!)

Sincerely"

I'm not entirely sure why that made my day.

So now i've really got to bite the bullet & start working for this goddamn Biochemistry exam. It's the kind of difficult where you think & grit your teeth for so hard & so long without achieving anything that you actually feel nauseous by the end of it. It's okay though, i just got back from Oxford Circus where they turned on the lights so that will last me long enough in terms of fun points. Peter Andre, Taio Cruz, & the Saturdays 'performed', with speeches from Boris Johnson (who we literally bumped into afterwards) & Jim Carey. The small things really are what makes life; the Christmas songs in between with the whole crowd singing along horrendously out of key, feeling a little bit like a T-mobile advert, dancing like gimps, the weather getting slightly colder, waffles after the show...

:D

Orchid

Solitaire

Today started off as a 'the rain can't stop me!' day. I'm am now shaking with cold & wet, & slightly shaken from the past few hours. At about 10am this morning, i headed off to Brick Lane in East London, which i had never been to before but had heard is amazing. I think it was a bad sign when the old man who sat beside me on the bus kept almost pressing the bell everytime i looked like i might want to get off, & as expected, did follow suit when i stood up at Bethnal Green. I managed to lose him & find the market... retrospectively i would rather have hung out with him than discover that the market was ridden with sleazy men, & only men, & nobody else was in sight. It didn't take even two minutes for probably the creepiest man i have ever met to start following me, asking me what size i was, 'you'd look even more beautiful in this', & eventually asking me if i wanted to go for a coffee after i was done shopping.

No.

I think i went into about five different places in a really random order & didn't look behind me, ever, & each time i passed a stall, had various comments thrown out at me. No cash, no cash machines, no breakfast, no water, no umbrella, coat or anyone. 

A few miles' walk later & i'm home. I would give anything in this world not to have to be a girl in it.

Orchid