Forced Vital

I just want to say...

Iwishiwashomesoicoulddancelikealoon&singlikeacat...

& walk barefoot through the grass,

Reach my arms up to the ceiling & pretend it's the sky,

& find the highest note that i could ever reach,

Sew a new dress, take a new breath.

Blow glitter to the night, & paint a pair of eyes, a soul, onto the back of a cereal packet.

& sing.

Liopleurodon

Only things of note in the past few days:

Randomly deciding at 9 pm to go to the Natural History Museum on Friday night. Dinosaur masks, trying to get locked in over night (& obviously failing), & being in absolute awe of all the bird specimens. I've always wondered how Darwin could have looked at a bunch of finches & thought "Ah yes, finally, absolute proof that there is no God!" To me, that's hard, solid evidence before your very eyes that there is certainly an amazing power beyond the material & beyond what we can possibly ever understand. To me, that's the knowledge that i'm not alone. I take back what i said about the Natural History Museum in London being a poor show in comparison to Oxford's; it's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Making an amazing lunch today. Chicken & rice. I may parade around with a sign now, announcing the fact that i am not a vegetarian, with the remains of my Sunday déjeuner painted across it. That'll show 'em. Alternatively, i'll learn the names of all the dinosaurs.

Orchid.

Spaceman

I cannot express how happy i am that i came to a London University, & not some other place where it may have been easier in many aspects. I had the most awesome reading week last week. In fact this term has been amazing, & we're only just over halfway through.

Just last week i went to Brighton on Wednesday. Then to a free gig & beachwear label catwalk thing on Thursday with (as seems to be part of a weekly routine for me now) free drinks & canapés, & the hottest models, at a club next to The Ritz. On Friday, i got free tickets to see Dead By Sunrise in Camden, & had a surprisingly awesome time: the support band were insane, but as per usual somewhat ruined by a crowd of douches too cool to dance.

I've just got back from a silent disco at the Science Museum. The way things are going, i'm thinking museum events are the way forward. Only about a month ago i was at a masquerade ball at the V&A, & this was even better. And nobody would ever dance like that at a club, it was so awesome just to see people dancing like they do in their bedrooms. And even more amazing to take your headphones off in the middle of Empire State of Mind, & see hundreds of eyes closed, & hear hundreds of people singing "There's nothing you can't do" with absolutely, all they've got.

Note, all of the above- free. Totally, utterly free. The guest list/ secret event life, i've definitely acquired a taste for it.

And:

"...yeah you told me in your blog"

Seeing as you claim a little ownership over it...

Dear Tom,

I think you're so cool, you're my idol. I want to be just like you when i grow up. Cooking rice with you is always lots of fun, & i am glad that you like crispy rice as much as i do. It makes me even happier to know that you too understand about how it's useless after about 10 minutes. I'm sorry for the times that i stormed off, especially when i slammed the door real loud, & i'm sorry for all the times when i kicked or hit you way too hard. I'm sorry for the time you couldn't eat any of the chocolates because we mixed them with the tramp ones. You're really good at plaiting & knitting & cooking & making me laugh & knowing what song i'm thinking of. I hope that you lose our bet & i get Pocky from you... although i will still steal almost all of them if you win. I know i say that i hate going to Tesco with you, but i don't really, & anyways, when else do i laugh so much when i hear "Please insert your card into the chip&pin device"? That is what she said. You are very special, & you get a bazillion more bricks than Fritzl Come on, he gets like one for merely being a bunch of molecules, and no more. You get a bazillion.

Orchid

xoxo

Polly

I think i was almost physically sick with disgust & contempt, more contempt than i have ever felt for the world we live in. And for myself; i did absolutely nothing to help, nothing. I don't know who you are, but i hope to God you're okay.

Orchid

Locket

Fill my hands with water

Drenched in all the words

That were spoken by a mother

To a voiceless bird

Steal the night, the hours

With mirrors, & ink unspilt

And all I’ll eat are flowers

And all I’ll taste is guilt

 

Hidden from the horse’s mouth

Gilded lies fly North to South

And I am not a little girl

But sleeping daisies fill my world

I blow them kisses

But they will not wake

 

And what’s a curve to a knighted world

What’s a diamond to a sea of pearls

What is coal to eyes that are black

They only see black, she breathes black

So what is black to the stars

Who have long

Turned

Their

Backs?

I'll never tell.

Sleepless

The best way to go night to night is with irony, i find.

Spend one evening dressed to the nines in 'New York', listening to Gershwin, in awe of the orchestra; spend the next at a secret Chinese New Year VIP gathering, with no Chinese people, where only the young professionals of Brick Lane are 'cool' enough to experience Chinese Experimental/Punk. Spend the next screaming 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night' with every fibre of your being, eyes closed, arms skywards.

"The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles."

Orchid.

Blue Rinse

Oh man do i want to go home. 

I just want so much to go to the Nag's Head, steal the whole sofa & have a chat with Stabby-Joe, talk about what new shops are due to open in the precinct, & get chips from Smart's on the way back home. 

I want to go back to Masons, buy ribbon i will never use in every width & colour, & get especially excited when i see there's a new one in the 20p bundle basket. Go to the tearoom, talk to old women about the weather & how i'm growing up to be a lovely young lady, not like those other youths. 

I want to sit under my tree in Albert Park & pretend to integrate & cross-multiply, while in fact counting blades of grass in complete bliss, waiting for Ben to arrive with Merlin on his walk, so i can tell him my next plan to save the World. 

I want to catch the bus to town, complain about how extortionate the bus prices are, how much better transport is here, but know that i would never in London experience the same comfort i do when i see the same bus drivers who helped me catch the bus by myself for the first time, let me off when i had no money, asked me about my day, believed me when i lied about my age, laughed at me when i finally dropped that pretense. I want to get off at St Aldates, rush for no reason through the crowds, walk to Cornmarket, to HMV & see who the new kids in town are; feel disgusted at how mouthy & obnoxious today's 15-year-olds are. Go to Shakeaway, visit Emma for a while- although maybe not anymore- then to Mahogany, & wave to Rupert through the window. Call Chloe, laugh, cry, scream. Get ambushed by Melissa ;)

Go to Kennington, for swings & minimilks, & more swings &, actually, no roundabouts. 

Pretend to myself that i'm going to go out to the Bridge, meet everyone at the Red Lion or something, then decide to go home at 9. Walk back alone in the pitch black, & stop, stare, at St Michael's church, because it's so beautiful at night. Open the gate, step lightly to the porch, look in, look for flowers, or someone who could change my life forever. I just feel that's the sort of place you'd meet them. Out through another gate, down the road, slip my key into the lock, & go & tell my Mother all about my day.

And i'd say it had been wonderful.

Orchid.

Cocoon

You can throw daisies over your shoulder all day long, but sometime, maybe around twilight, you must leave behind gingham & major chords, & look for roses.

Ragdoll

I should really learn how to stand up for myself.

Yesterday was so-so, not much to say, and i'd planned a productive evening of cardiac physiology. Cardiac physiology is hard enough as it is. It is made no easier by very loud, fast Swedish buzzing beside you over Skype for certainly over one hour, possibly over two. In this situation, you may wish to block out the incessant noise by turning up your music; alas, this only results in the feeling that your head is about to implode.

So i took myself off to Jo's room, where everyone was hanging out, and waiting for some jelly to set. In the meantime, Tom & i occupied ourselves with the phenomenon that is Lottie's Stick On Bra- the ceiling, the window, a face- all good places to test its suction power.

I'd forgotten how good jelly is. Mind you, the jelly last night was by no means even comparable to our old School Jelly, but it was jelly nonetheless. I'd also forgotten how much of an effect sugar has on me.

Following much colloid-joy, i decided to go to bed. Or perhaps not. My roommate had locked the door, having gone to bed, while i, on the other hand, had left my keys, my phone, my- well everything except for my own self- in the room. And no amount of knocking aided my cause. Next up, very cold, very, very cold night spent on hard floor wrapped in Jo and Milly's combined pyjamas, towels & sleeping bag. Fast forward to this morning, and i managed to get the spare key from reception (still no response to my knocking), get myself to lectures, go for coffee, come back to find her still asleep. When she did wake up, i said nothing. When she asked me what was up, having told me about how glad she was that she finally managed to get a good night's sleep and various other excessively chirpy comments, i said "Nothing." 

Oh well. All's well that ends well i guess.

Orchid.

Wardour

Where to begin...

This week has been overly emotional, and highly strung. I have had a predictably stressful day today, but starting with yesterday, i did basically nothing except organising my files and reading up on aging in worms, and then being excited for Yasmine getting to London. I picked her up introduced her to "um.... these are the people i live with" (: and then took her out to dinner in Little Italy.

Chinatown is stunning at the moment; all the lanterns are up for New Years, and the paw-cats are lined up outside supermarkets. I'm glad she enjoyed it.

We came back, introduced her to more of my friends, & had a mini-party in my room, which was sweet.

And then today came knocking, accompanied with my Momma, uncle & too much food for one person. There are people you love, but would much rather avoid most of the time, calling up every now and again to let them know you care, but really hoping for the absolute minimum contact time. People who, even though you feel fine, you're fine, life is fine, how you've arranged your saucepans is fine, the order you put your books on a shelf is fine, continue to insist that there's an issue you should be upset about. People who really are no fun for smiley happy people. I am a smiley, happy person. My uncle falls into the former bracket. How stressful. In addition to this, my Mother's comments about how i appear to have "shrunk in the wash" were not very well received; i'd like to think, actually, that i am perfectly well, very much contented and am trundling along smashingly, thank you very much.

Having said all this, i do love my family, and my Mother is the best one in the world. Trust. 

And you've got me standing in an

Awkward position with

Unwanted attention

And a need for explanation

But i could never let you go

And that is all i know.

I just played the most awesome game. Well:

Going through the alphabet, naming something from Harry Potter for each letter. I'm the second coolest person on this planet.

Oh and i just lost the Game. Had to be said, sorry everyone.

And finally,

This is for you.

You know who you are.

You will when you watch it.

Orchid.

Victoria's...

It's one of those days where you've listened to the same song over and over, with people and reflections in between each rewind/play, and at suddenly 2 am every note and lyric makes sense. And there's no getting away from it.

It's one of those days you know is the one of few remaining, one of many gone by, biding time.

Dipping toes into water.

It's a new turn on a blue day.

I'm really excited, my baby sister is coming to stay over tomorrow, and by baby i mean kid; possibly an excursion to Leicester Square should be good, possibly giving Soho a wide berth.

Definitely choosing 'slumber party' over the million other 'awesome' ones, is the way forward. I miss her.

Orchid.

Fair Verona

I give up, i give up, i give up.

I need a new box of tissues. This might mean i actually go to Tesco & buy real food & actually eat viable meals. Every cloud, i guess.

Thicker

I wish i'd written earlier, or every night, because i've had such an amazing week & now i can't remember every detail. I remember last Monday night- being at work from 1.30 in the afternoon til 10.30 at night to help out at a drinks reception, rolling with the chief execs, chilling with the caterers one of which apparently was on BB5... & chocolates from my office on Wednesday for doing so, which i proceeded to hand out to people on the tube & on the street on my way back home. Went to a lecture by Vince Cable on Thursday night, which was very soothing to listen to if anything, & a masquerade ball at V&A on Friday... darling. Saturday was a day for sunshine so I went to Brick lane for bagels with a bunch of friends, making full, gloating use of my travelcard (: followed by my friend Katherine, who goes to my uni but i knew her from the year above at my school, coming over for hot chocolate & a long chat. And yesterday was DJs vs the Big C, which was really fun, if somewhat ruined by an angry phone call just as i was just about to go in. I got back, my friend made me dinner & helped me cook my lunches for the next week.

I know i keep saying this but i really do love everybody & everything so much. I love London for the fact that the other day i was thinking about how great a composer Gershwin was, & immediately checking out Timeout & booking tickets for a Gershwin concert. I love all of my friends, i think, more than they will ever know & i wish i could put it into words sometimes how inspirational they are to me, how fiercely i'd defend them if anybody dared disrespect them, & how they are my rock- i'd be at totally, utterly lost without them.

Despite how independent i like to think i am.

Orchid.