Skew

If today was plotted as a graph, whereby the x axis spanned from yesterday at about 3pm through to right now, on an hourly basis, & the y axis represented how busy i thought i would be today, & my achievement levels of today, the two variables would be inversely proportional, with slight negative exponential tendencies.

In English, that means that i planned on writing my essay by 1 pm, going to a protest, going to the protest after party, meeting up with Emma & Ben Procter as they were making a trip to London, coming back, revising statistics, then meeting up with Olivia, a friend from my halls to go out somewhere, anywhere... i finished my essay.

The person who was supposed call me to say when she was going to the protest (bearing in mind she invited me) didn't,

Emma overslept & forgot to come to London.

Statistics...

Well put it this way, statistics or procrastination?

The thing me & Olivia were going to go to it turns out was destined to become a pill-fest, & having written 1700 words on Famine, & Economics, which is by the way, alien to me, & her having been waitressing all day, we're not out.

We're not out, i'm not out, i don't go out. Story of my life.

Proof that i am not a loser: yesterday i finished an exam & wanted to go out dancing.

Nobody else did.

Party, woohoo.

It's okay though, i've finally come to realise that for me all that matters is that my course really is crazily interesting, it's the answer to all the questions i used to wonder about ever since i can remember: yes, as a seven-year old i did want to know how all our cells knew where to go. And now i do know. I don't think anyone else will get it, but i think it's really beautiful, i almost can't believe that i finally know how magic works.

Knowledge is power. It's also beautiful.

I don't think i have entirely hated University in recent weeks. I think it's been a combination of real hatred, real loneliness, being afraid that i'll change & that if i admit that i am enjoying myself, i'll hurt others who feel that i still need them, by making them feel unwanted, not missed. There is absolutely nothing in the world like old friends though. Chloe came to visit on Thursday, & i suddenly noticed how many words, sentences we miss out when we talk, because we don't need to spell it out- i know precisely what she means just from a single word. And then far less more hating this place, i dread going home, so much, so much. There's a huge expectation for me to have had the most insanely amazing time of the world, just because i'm in London, & then simultaneously i know all i'll be hearing is stories of all the amazing times everybody else has had. I frankly don't want to know. I just want to be with all these people again, as if nothing has happened in between.

Having said all that, i am really looking forward to seeing the people i don't have to explain everything to, i cannot wait. Just to be around them, & not say a word, in entirely comfortable silence.

Orchid.

Horse

My brain is in a weird state right now where it's not between, but simultaneously extremely calm & serene, & also frantic & whirring & close to explosive.

There is so much i want to change about the world; it took me this long to remember that 'if you want something done, do it yourself' applies to the vast majority of situations. The more i read, & believe me that's all i've been doing for the past few weeks, the more i feel disgusted at humanity, & that there really are no good guys. And also, & most depressingly, that sometimes the wrong decision is the only one you can make; you would never put a nation before your brother, but surely the welfare of the masses outweighs that of a single person?

But the more i read, the more i teach myself, the more i realise that if there are reasons for the evils of the world, if we can trace the roots, we must be able to return to those roots & fix it. 

There must be a way.

There must be a way. 

There must be a way. 

That's the mantra circulating through my head, keeping it at peace with the absolute anger for what we've done. I asked a friend last night what could be done, how, how?? There have been great leaders in the past who have changed the world forever, why am i constantly told that nothing i do will make a difference, that morality will get me nowhere, that i am naive, have much to learn & should keep my head down & concern myself with my own business? What about Martin Luther King? What about Ghandi?

"Ah well, Ghandi, he was different. He removed himself from being human, from everything humans want & strive for; a wife, children, notable success, eating. When you have nothing, no weaknesses, what have you to lose?"

Of course.

So why not? Anything is worth improving the human race, anything is worth stopping lies about hunger, war, stopping the wrongs that women suffer in the hands of cowardly men, & taking the spotlight off money- it is not the be all & end all of our lives.

I'll do it. I'm going to make a plan.

Orchid.

p.s

"Girls can wear jeans.

Cut their hair short.

Wear shirts & things...

Because it's okay to be a boy.

But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading,

Because you think that being a girl is degrading.

But secretly

You'd love to know what it's like."

Bailar: Bailo, Bailas, Bailamos.

Monday

Biochemistry

Hari Krishna

Library

Dinner

Salsa

Brie

Rice

Study

Bed.

Wick

Even i'm getting tired of listening to myself. I'll commend myself with a trophy if i manage to stay in a good mood for longer than 24 hours.

I've been trying to study.

It's failing.

You never think people fail uni, but even though i'm giving this my all, i could easily fail. & there's no teachers to help, no past papers to perfect, no guarantees this is worth it.

I was really excited about going to Rebel Bingo last night, but because London transport & the weekend simply do not want to cooperate, there was no viable way of getting there, although of course, the night bus goes practically door to door. You can't get the night bus until after 11.

I was really looking forward to having Chloe & Rupert round for a dinner party tonight. They got lost, stuck in traffic, & by that time tesco was closed so i had to magic up a meal, & they could only stay for a couple of hours.

It was great.

Now they're gone.

I don't think i've gone back to square one, i think i'm just stuck between two worlds at the moment, i don't want to leave anybody behind or forget anybody, & i don't want to have only myself to blame if i don't have anybody here, which is a tricky balancing act. But it isn't working. 

It really is like a candle burning at both ends.

Real fast.

This i say wanting no sympathy from anybody, including myself, but i really believe that i'm going to be alone forever. The surrounded by people, but still totally isolated scenario.

Whatever.

Orchid.

Pitch

Holy crap i've turned into an actual student- yesterday i went to the bathroom in the library, which i think i now spend more time in than my room, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror & thought 'Oh my God what happened to you??'

I never would have dared leave the house before if i was even wearing my glasses, & now look at me, glasses, hair all over the place, not a smudge of makeup to be seen. Not to mention that i had been carrying a bookbag.

I'm in a dancing mood right now, & luckily i'm going to a bingo rave tonight. Because i'm cool.

To add to my good mood, i just found a tent peg in my bag.

Orchid.

Helium

It's funny, so i wrote my last post, went to sleep & the next day things just began to look up. Well, nothing really changed in substance, but something clicked. Every morning so far, i'd woken up in a brilliant mood, thinking that "today is going to be fabulous" & yet it would always descend into apathy or anger. Tuesday was different. One of those days where you wake up & you so haven't forgotten what you felt like pre-dreamtime. I'm guessing things could only have got better at that stage, so they did. After a day of lectures i headed down to Carnaby Street in search of some yarns & needles. The shop was closed, but i certainly discovered one of the most beautiful places here- i now understand what pretentious magazines mean by finding London Gems. This was one of them; down the entire street, suspended between shops, were giant heart-shaped helium balloons in a boho-tack style with 'peace' 'love' 'joy' & 'hope' written across them. I'm taking it as a sign.

I then met up with Alice from school, who also goes to UCL I haven't seen anywhere near enough of her, but that's not to say we aren't still really close. We attempted to find the knitting group, which failed, so we came back to my halls as soon as i realised i had popcorn kernels & that we both secretly love sweet & salty together. We talked about how much we hate it here, how homesick we are, how we don't go out, & how 'out' should definitely include things like communal popcorn. It was nice.

Unfortunately, or it turns out, fortunately one of my floor-mates caught a little bit of the conversation. He's always been really jokingly mean to me, so it was weird when he was actually really concerned. But much appreciated. It was weird also because me & Alice had also said that what sucks the most is that you can't talk to anybody here about how you feel because there's a certain boundary you have to pass before you lean on people, i've heard so many people here being so unsympathetic towards others. But there i was pouring my heart out to someone i've known for a little while. If i have any talents to my name, it has to be putting on an extremely happy front: "But i just had no idea you were so down, you're always so smiley."

So that's definite, solid friend number one. He said it himself.

And waking up on Wednesday morning started well & ended well, with a hearty guitar-vocals-organ midnight jam with a couple of guys here, lots & lots of Michael Jackson. Excluding a hiccup in which i was absolutely traumatised by a film screening of Dirty Pretty Things about the underground kidney-fake passport industry in London. My God we have a lot to sort out.

A hell of a lot.

Orchid.

Orchid.

Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi

I haven't forgotten about writing, nor have i been too lazy. I just wanted to write in a positive frame of mind, but it seems that joy eludes me, so here we go.

I hate everything.

I hate university, i hate the fact that i am nice to everybody & yet i highly doubt anyone would care if i lived or died. I hate the fact that the other day, as a break, i got on my hands & knees & cleaned the bloody floor. I hate that now i'm gone, my mother has literally nobody to speak to, as my sister has apparently turned into a cow in the last month. I hate that even my sister couldn't care less, & that the only times she'll bother to engage in conversation with me is to tell me that she wants my room & i should accept that i'm not part of our home anymore. Oh & 'i'm only coming to see you if i can bring my friend. We want to go shopping.' I hate that the only place i have to cry is in the shower.

I thought it would be a great idea the other day, to go & meet up with the art trip from school at the Royal Academy so i could see the exhibition, my teachers, & Leo. All i gained from it was being completely blanked by someone who i consider to be one of my nearest & dearest, who didn't even look me in the eye after i had to ask her to say hello to me, & that i have lost all artistic technique i had slaved away building up through high school. Or at least that i cannot draw whilst shaking with anger. So we can conclude that friends in my case are quite literally, neither here nor there. 

It's truly tragic that my highlight of last week was a 2 hour phone conversation with Chloe in which we just listed everything we hate, everyone we hate (including a male hitlist) , & all the things we wish we could do but can't. Mine is depressingly long; i cannot:

Draw,

Think,

Believe,

Invent,

Write creatively,

Write academically,

Count,

Learn,

Cook,

Make friends,

Keep my mouth shut,

See,

Get a decent grade in a test i spent 3 solid days in the library for,

Paint,

Run,

Have style,

Sing,

Dance,

Act,

Smile.

It is equally tragic that i don't think i have ever been as excited as i am right now, that i am going to a knitting circle tomorrow night.

I cannot put into words just how much i loathe being here. I wish so much that i could just live by myself in some forest, or in a temple, & just help people & be kind, & give absolutely all that i can. Above all i wish i had the opportunity give my life to selflessness. But i just can't do it. Or at least not for 3, long, wastes of years.