Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi

I haven't forgotten about writing, nor have i been too lazy. I just wanted to write in a positive frame of mind, but it seems that joy eludes me, so here we go.

I hate everything.

I hate university, i hate the fact that i am nice to everybody & yet i highly doubt anyone would care if i lived or died. I hate the fact that the other day, as a break, i got on my hands & knees & cleaned the bloody floor. I hate that now i'm gone, my mother has literally nobody to speak to, as my sister has apparently turned into a cow in the last month. I hate that even my sister couldn't care less, & that the only times she'll bother to engage in conversation with me is to tell me that she wants my room & i should accept that i'm not part of our home anymore. Oh & 'i'm only coming to see you if i can bring my friend. We want to go shopping.' I hate that the only place i have to cry is in the shower.

I thought it would be a great idea the other day, to go & meet up with the art trip from school at the Royal Academy so i could see the exhibition, my teachers, & Leo. All i gained from it was being completely blanked by someone who i consider to be one of my nearest & dearest, who didn't even look me in the eye after i had to ask her to say hello to me, & that i have lost all artistic technique i had slaved away building up through high school. Or at least that i cannot draw whilst shaking with anger. So we can conclude that friends in my case are quite literally, neither here nor there. 

It's truly tragic that my highlight of last week was a 2 hour phone conversation with Chloe in which we just listed everything we hate, everyone we hate (including a male hitlist) , & all the things we wish we could do but can't. Mine is depressingly long; i cannot:

Draw,

Think,

Believe,

Invent,

Write creatively,

Write academically,

Count,

Learn,

Cook,

Make friends,

Keep my mouth shut,

See,

Get a decent grade in a test i spent 3 solid days in the library for,

Paint,

Run,

Have style,

Sing,

Dance,

Act,

Smile.

It is equally tragic that i don't think i have ever been as excited as i am right now, that i am going to a knitting circle tomorrow night.

I cannot put into words just how much i loathe being here. I wish so much that i could just live by myself in some forest, or in a temple, & just help people & be kind, & give absolutely all that i can. Above all i wish i had the opportunity give my life to selflessness. But i just can't do it. Or at least not for 3, long, wastes of years.