In English, that means that i planned on writing my essay by 1 pm, going to a protest, going to the protest after party, meeting up with Emma & Ben Procter as they were making a trip to London, coming back, revising statistics, then meeting up with Olivia, a friend from my halls to go out somewhere, anywhere... i finished my essay.
The person who was supposed call me to say when she was going to the protest (bearing in mind she invited me) didn't,
Emma overslept & forgot to come to London.
Statistics...
Well put it this way, statistics or procrastination?
The thing me & Olivia were going to go to it turns out was destined to become a pill-fest, & having written 1700 words on Famine, & Economics, which is by the way, alien to me, & her having been waitressing all day, we're not out.
We're not out, i'm not out, i don't go out. Story of my life.
Proof that i am not a loser: yesterday i finished an exam & wanted to go out dancing.
Nobody else did.
Party, woohoo.
It's okay though, i've finally come to realise that for me all that matters is that my course really is crazily interesting, it's the answer to all the questions i used to wonder about ever since i can remember: yes, as a seven-year old i did want to know how all our cells knew where to go. And now i do know. I don't think anyone else will get it, but i think it's really beautiful, i almost can't believe that i finally know how magic works.
Knowledge is power. It's also beautiful.
I don't think i have entirely hated University in recent weeks. I think it's been a combination of real hatred, real loneliness, being afraid that i'll change & that if i admit that i am enjoying myself, i'll hurt others who feel that i still need them, by making them feel unwanted, not missed. There is absolutely nothing in the world like old friends though. Chloe came to visit on Thursday, & i suddenly noticed how many words, sentences we miss out when we talk, because we don't need to spell it out- i know precisely what she means just from a single word. And then far less more hating this place, i dread going home, so much, so much. There's a huge expectation for me to have had the most insanely amazing time of the world, just because i'm in London, & then simultaneously i know all i'll be hearing is stories of all the amazing times everybody else has had. I frankly don't want to know. I just want to be with all these people again, as if nothing has happened in between.
Having said all that, i am really looking forward to seeing the people i don't have to explain everything to, i cannot wait. Just to be around them, & not say a word, in entirely comfortable silence.
Orchid.
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