Forced Vital

I just want to say...

Iwishiwashomesoicoulddancelikealoon&singlikeacat...

& walk barefoot through the grass,

Reach my arms up to the ceiling & pretend it's the sky,

& find the highest note that i could ever reach,

Sew a new dress, take a new breath.

Blow glitter to the night, & paint a pair of eyes, a soul, onto the back of a cereal packet.

& sing.

Liopleurodon

Only things of note in the past few days:

Randomly deciding at 9 pm to go to the Natural History Museum on Friday night. Dinosaur masks, trying to get locked in over night (& obviously failing), & being in absolute awe of all the bird specimens. I've always wondered how Darwin could have looked at a bunch of finches & thought "Ah yes, finally, absolute proof that there is no God!" To me, that's hard, solid evidence before your very eyes that there is certainly an amazing power beyond the material & beyond what we can possibly ever understand. To me, that's the knowledge that i'm not alone. I take back what i said about the Natural History Museum in London being a poor show in comparison to Oxford's; it's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Making an amazing lunch today. Chicken & rice. I may parade around with a sign now, announcing the fact that i am not a vegetarian, with the remains of my Sunday déjeuner painted across it. That'll show 'em. Alternatively, i'll learn the names of all the dinosaurs.

Orchid.

Spaceman

I cannot express how happy i am that i came to a London University, & not some other place where it may have been easier in many aspects. I had the most awesome reading week last week. In fact this term has been amazing, & we're only just over halfway through.

Just last week i went to Brighton on Wednesday. Then to a free gig & beachwear label catwalk thing on Thursday with (as seems to be part of a weekly routine for me now) free drinks & canapés, & the hottest models, at a club next to The Ritz. On Friday, i got free tickets to see Dead By Sunrise in Camden, & had a surprisingly awesome time: the support band were insane, but as per usual somewhat ruined by a crowd of douches too cool to dance.

I've just got back from a silent disco at the Science Museum. The way things are going, i'm thinking museum events are the way forward. Only about a month ago i was at a masquerade ball at the V&A, & this was even better. And nobody would ever dance like that at a club, it was so awesome just to see people dancing like they do in their bedrooms. And even more amazing to take your headphones off in the middle of Empire State of Mind, & see hundreds of eyes closed, & hear hundreds of people singing "There's nothing you can't do" with absolutely, all they've got.

Note, all of the above- free. Totally, utterly free. The guest list/ secret event life, i've definitely acquired a taste for it.

And:

"...yeah you told me in your blog"

Seeing as you claim a little ownership over it...

Dear Tom,

I think you're so cool, you're my idol. I want to be just like you when i grow up. Cooking rice with you is always lots of fun, & i am glad that you like crispy rice as much as i do. It makes me even happier to know that you too understand about how it's useless after about 10 minutes. I'm sorry for the times that i stormed off, especially when i slammed the door real loud, & i'm sorry for all the times when i kicked or hit you way too hard. I'm sorry for the time you couldn't eat any of the chocolates because we mixed them with the tramp ones. You're really good at plaiting & knitting & cooking & making me laugh & knowing what song i'm thinking of. I hope that you lose our bet & i get Pocky from you... although i will still steal almost all of them if you win. I know i say that i hate going to Tesco with you, but i don't really, & anyways, when else do i laugh so much when i hear "Please insert your card into the chip&pin device"? That is what she said. You are very special, & you get a bazillion more bricks than Fritzl Come on, he gets like one for merely being a bunch of molecules, and no more. You get a bazillion.

Orchid

xoxo

Polly

I think i was almost physically sick with disgust & contempt, more contempt than i have ever felt for the world we live in. And for myself; i did absolutely nothing to help, nothing. I don't know who you are, but i hope to God you're okay.

Orchid

Locket

Fill my hands with water

Drenched in all the words

That were spoken by a mother

To a voiceless bird

Steal the night, the hours

With mirrors, & ink unspilt

And all I’ll eat are flowers

And all I’ll taste is guilt

 

Hidden from the horse’s mouth

Gilded lies fly North to South

And I am not a little girl

But sleeping daisies fill my world

I blow them kisses

But they will not wake

 

And what’s a curve to a knighted world

What’s a diamond to a sea of pearls

What is coal to eyes that are black

They only see black, she breathes black

So what is black to the stars

Who have long

Turned

Their

Backs?

I'll never tell.

Sleepless

The best way to go night to night is with irony, i find.

Spend one evening dressed to the nines in 'New York', listening to Gershwin, in awe of the orchestra; spend the next at a secret Chinese New Year VIP gathering, with no Chinese people, where only the young professionals of Brick Lane are 'cool' enough to experience Chinese Experimental/Punk. Spend the next screaming 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night' with every fibre of your being, eyes closed, arms skywards.

"The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles."

Orchid.

Blue Rinse

Oh man do i want to go home. 

I just want so much to go to the Nag's Head, steal the whole sofa & have a chat with Stabby-Joe, talk about what new shops are due to open in the precinct, & get chips from Smart's on the way back home. 

I want to go back to Masons, buy ribbon i will never use in every width & colour, & get especially excited when i see there's a new one in the 20p bundle basket. Go to the tearoom, talk to old women about the weather & how i'm growing up to be a lovely young lady, not like those other youths. 

I want to sit under my tree in Albert Park & pretend to integrate & cross-multiply, while in fact counting blades of grass in complete bliss, waiting for Ben to arrive with Merlin on his walk, so i can tell him my next plan to save the World. 

I want to catch the bus to town, complain about how extortionate the bus prices are, how much better transport is here, but know that i would never in London experience the same comfort i do when i see the same bus drivers who helped me catch the bus by myself for the first time, let me off when i had no money, asked me about my day, believed me when i lied about my age, laughed at me when i finally dropped that pretense. I want to get off at St Aldates, rush for no reason through the crowds, walk to Cornmarket, to HMV & see who the new kids in town are; feel disgusted at how mouthy & obnoxious today's 15-year-olds are. Go to Shakeaway, visit Emma for a while- although maybe not anymore- then to Mahogany, & wave to Rupert through the window. Call Chloe, laugh, cry, scream. Get ambushed by Melissa ;)

Go to Kennington, for swings & minimilks, & more swings &, actually, no roundabouts. 

Pretend to myself that i'm going to go out to the Bridge, meet everyone at the Red Lion or something, then decide to go home at 9. Walk back alone in the pitch black, & stop, stare, at St Michael's church, because it's so beautiful at night. Open the gate, step lightly to the porch, look in, look for flowers, or someone who could change my life forever. I just feel that's the sort of place you'd meet them. Out through another gate, down the road, slip my key into the lock, & go & tell my Mother all about my day.

And i'd say it had been wonderful.

Orchid.