76 inches, 88 keys

I started writing this at least 14 times.

Today, this week, this mind, nothing is the right answer. But when i think about it, nothing is the right question either. I feel like this is me curling up into the smallest way of being human possible, to shield myself from all the philosophies and changing winds that i don't quite understand.

I cannot help but fall in love with everything that glitters, and everyone who is beautiful to me, and i cannot help but hurt when they're not around. I wish i hated, i wish i could only give halfheartedly, but i simply cannot. I cannot say goodbye without a tear, nor hello without wincing with the knowledge that the future will have to be farewell.

I don't know what i'm saying, there's too much, and there are no words. I want to fill the world with all the love i feel for it, want for it, wish upon every person walking it, i...

... don't know.

It's not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough.

Orchid.

Diary

You would think that after a season of heavy exams (hence the blog neglect), you would be able to close your eyes, count 1 to 10, and relax. On the other hand, you could have bitten off just a little more than you could chew, and find yourself replying to a seemingly endless list of important emails (Dear Whoever, I am so extremely sorry for the delay in response, I have been up to my ears in revision which should have really been done throughout the year, procrastination which I thought I had exorcised before I became a real student, and about 5 hours of sleep every night for the past month...); ignored text messages, and sorting out my life.

I have six ongoing projects at the moment, all of course with a lot of backlog. Yeesh.

On the other hand, I had a super birthday party over the weekend and got to see most of all of my favourites, but all of my most favourites (:

And now I think it's time for bed.

Orchid

Chi

This won't be lyrical, but it's all i can cough up right now.

So i'm still screwed for exams, more so than before, although this time it's totally my own fault & i'm a bad student. This is nothing to do with bad luck.

Although, i take part of that back. I've been feverishly ill for the best part of this week, to the point where i couldn't concentrate on Lemsip instructions, let alone gastrulation or whatever. 

Yesterday i went to Regents Park for the first time; it's beautiful.

Today i cleaned my room out, so that i can focus more.

Earlier i admitted something, to a friend, and to myself.

Tonight i made a promise; i'm going to keep it.

On top of that, i'm going to turn yet another new leaf, and i'm going to be a really nice person, a really good person. I want to make myself proud.

Orchid.

Key

Oh my God.

I am actually going to fail my exams.

I am well aware I say this every year. But I actually am. Holy mother of Jesus. To make my day a little more interesting than the realisation that I am so fucking fucked, my life, along with any visual abilities I had left, is officially over. I have been staying in my friend's room while she's been away as my roommate's family have been staying over, and so, all of my most important possessions for this joyful season are in there; my laptop, all my books and notes from the whole year, my toothbrush and glasses are in that one room. And I leave that one damn room for a mere 2 hours, only to find it locked upon my return. Adding just that much more excitement to the whole scenario, it is not (as it never, ever is) in our goddamn policy to open the door for you without explicit permission from your friend. Who is in China. Until the end of next week.

Fuck.
My.
Life.

Carmen

This is the bird i buried by the Church:

Orchid.

900Ti

This would have been the story of my week in Egypt, but it shall have to be a tribute to my first true love.

Dear IXUS,

I loved you. You were the first one to understand me; you were the first thing i ever understood without trying. You were there for poetry with no words, you were there to crystallise meadow-lit smiles. Every port and boundary i have crossed in the past few years: you were there.

You told me about magic; how sometimes, there are things only your very own eyes can see, and so to treasure every blink and flash for the fear that they belong only in the space of a second.

I remember the first ever photograph you gave me, and now, i have the last. I remember our- me Chris and Greg's- discovery that you were special; when you were 10.0 megapixels and nothing else came close, and the first thing i had ever seen with face detection and rotating images. I remember when your bolts came loose, and there was a pinprick on your screen. I loved you nevertheless and bandaged you up because i knew that still, you were the best camera in the whole world.

I remember when i lost you. I remember when i lost you, and i couldn't speak to anybody, and i couldn't see a beautiful thing without wishing, longing, that you could be there to see it with me- and everything else i saw was the mirage of your greying titanium gleam. And being reunited is one of the happiest memories i know, and ever will.

But now, it's not the same. This is it, Egypt has eaten you up for good. I think i knew in my heart of hearts that we were soon to part for good. I was ready for everything but the loneliness, the true feeling of "like i've lost a limb".

Chloe, now i truly understand how you must have felt without Bez; Melissa, i know how you felt after that party.

I will never forget you.

Orchid.

S.O.S

You know, as everyone else does, in your little shelf of obvious facts in a pocket of your brain, that you're dying from the moment you're born, hairs, layers of skin, snakelike. Right now, however, it's as though i can actually feel each cell bidding me a farewell, cell after cell, eating closer and closer to a core where my soul was once safe from insanity. I am in total isolation, in an alien place, and every academic word ever written makes me want to gag. I am an expert now in a variety of diseases, & find watching the open fridge's standstill existence hypnotic and novel.

Jesus.

I miss... living?