Hello World (:

Alors encore

2011-03-31T22:38:00.002+01:00

The fact that I have decided to start writing again has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I have begun 'revision' in earnest and need a more meaty form of procrastination than Facebook. That is all that you must know.

It's bizarre to think how much has changed, and yet nothing of any real significance has happened, nothing of note. It has been all the little rewards, mistakes, arguments, creations of the past few months which have shaped me into absolutely nothing new, only where I'm going and what I dream. I guess that makes little to no sense; every day I learn something, a do or a do not, and I've realised what I want and now I am free to dream of what I actually want to dream of rather than of things I ought to want.

In actual fact, I am back to where I began. I used to be on top of everything; running around, diary in hand, late to things I didn't care about, eager and early to everything else. I used to not care what was or was not acceptable for me to be; so what if noone else was proud of me, or if creativity isn't prestigious?

Somehow, a while ago, I guess the superwoman-me broke down and I lost control of everything around me. Looking back now, none of these things were important, but I felt like it wasn't just time and cameras (two of them) I was losing, but really myself. Last academic year I was the one to put studying and being busy and proactive above everything else, and this year I did nothing of the sort. I regret that deeply, especially sitting down tonight to plan out my revision, knowing how utterly miserably I am going to fail if I don't put in absolutely 120%. But it's okay, because it's been a while now that I've known that things have to change.

I've started singing again- I guess that's a loosely based term when it comes to it- and although I still hate the sound of my own voice, I am not ashamed to use it, if only to release at the end of a long day. I've come to accept how important it is to me, even if it's not 'productive' in the sense that it will ever lead to anything. And I'm writing music again; it's still not as good as I want it to be, but I'm always getting better at it, and that's what matters.

And although I still haven't made the time to paint, I've finally got back into film making. I've produced a short film this term and loved (almost...) every minute of it. As motivation for exams I've got myself into being the assistant producer on another short (a French film this time) the day after I finish exams, in a remote, beautiful forest in England. And you know what? I can see myself doing this for a very long time indeed. I am a creative person and I'm not going to pretend to myself anymore that I want to be a big, important person in politics or health or anything; all I want to do is inspire people with what inspires me. Maybe that will have more of an impact in someone's life than a new policy or more/less income tax ever will.

And because I am somewhat proud of it, here's some of our music.

All production and synth-tastic genius, courtesy of Tom Woodgate.

Adios (:

Sea White

2010-12-06T21:29:00.002Z

On a break from this.

Channeling all my thoughts through a real pen, into a new book.

This wastes words.

T.T.Y.L.

In The Night

2010-11-25T09:08:00.002Z

Justin Bieber is so amazing (:

I'm not even going to bother with an apology this time around, here goes a run through of the highlights of the past 3 weeks, a photomontage-esque whistle-stop tour of why I'm 300% right now, and in no particular order:

M.I.A and Sleigh Bells were insane. I saw them in Oxford with Emma, and I don't think I've ever been in a room filled with so much energy, nor a show where people scream along to the support too., nor danced so hard and with everybody else in one night. Going to the Zodiac again, for the first time since March, was the first time I've felt like I've properly moved away from Oxford. Since university I've always still thought of Oxford as home, the place I could walk with my eyes shut, but stepping into that venue for what felt like the hundredth time, after what seemed like a hundred years, felt like past tense itself had hit me over the head... I used to go there all the time... how strange.

Next up... a few weeks ago, Olivia, Tim, a few others and myself went out to Camden, and with the intention of just going to the pub, we ended up going to the Cuban, a semi-Latino club in the stables. Enter the salsa skills I've been building up, and a lacking in any feeling of potential humiliation, and a very stacked guy who looks like he can dance. He can.

It was quite a surreal experience, very much like every dance movie I've watched to be spun and, well, danced I suppose, almost effortlessly, by a total stranger, who at the same time kept telling me how rubbish I was, and teaching me real salsa, and wouldn't let me go until I appeared to have passed some kind of test, a rite. I'm definitely going back.

The weekend after that, Jo, Tom, Milly, Milly's friend Rachel, and I went over to Milly's house to have dinner with her parents- this is not that odd an occasion, and always really fun- and having insisted that I had too much work to do to come over in the first place, Tom and I ended up staying until about 2 in the morning, having won a game of scrabble as Ravenclaw, with a lengthy list of tactics and sly moves from Milly's mother, Carlo (Slytherin), graceful play from Gryffindor, Milly's father, and Milly and Rachel aptly beginning their losing streak, reluctantly as Hufflepuff: ' How do you spell Gryffindor?'

'... And that's why you're in Hufflepuff'

We left with the last of the sparklers from the fireworks earlier that evening, and cast spells on walk-of-shamers, late-night wanderers, and various inanimate objects the entire way home. The life and times (:

And for a week now, I've gone back to doing what I love the most, what defines the places I go, the words I right, the dreams I remember. It's all thanks to one person, and for the future I hope, the world's greatest team. Thank you.

All will become clear soon (:

Orchid

Eleven

2010-11-10T23:38:00.001Z

You were one inch from the edge of this bed

I dragged you back

A sleepyhead.

Sepia

2010-11-03T22:22:00.003Z

News of the day is that my face is full of cold, and my arms feel like I've had every vaccine on earth in one go, and therefore, I am lying in bed while the night is still young, ready to fall straight back to sleep, having been awake for all of 4 hours, as soon as I'm done with this entry.

Also as a result, I've been on a liquid diet of John Mayer and soft piano covers all day, as anything heavier makes me feel nauseous. I'm not even joking. It's odd, I haven't listened to beautiful, innocent music for such a long time; it's weirdly refreshing, and kind of reminds you of the point of everything.

I've had a pretty cool week. My little sister came to stay last Wednesday, and we filled up the evening with fairground rides at Leicester Square, and dinner, and secrets at bedtime... I love that finally, we're growing to become really good friends rather than a counterpart to tolerate.

I spent the weekend in Oxford at a conference for Model UN... yes, I'm a ridiculous nerd, especially to find myself in a 'WHO' committee, where nobody else had made themselves aware of the finer details of the virology of HIV. But I want to get good at public speaking, and debate is a no-go as I view it in the same way as 'going' running- if you're not trying to get anywhere, what on earth is the point? And debate is argument for argument's sake.

Anyway, the sessions were fun, and the evenings I boycotted were awesome: I went to a Halloween party with Brasenose college with my friend, dressed up as a hipster and greeted by dumbfounded stares when I tried to explain, and hit on by every male within a two-metre radius of me at any given point, as I was 'fresh-blood' / Oxford guys are super sharky. Thank you Lord that I go to UCL. On the other hand, having told my friend that I wasn't really up for going out as I had to be up at 7.30 the next day, I danced until 3 in the morning, and had an amazing night.

I spent the next night curled up on the sofa next to my Mom and a hot chocolate, watching Saturday-night TV. I had a similarly chilled scenario on the Sunday evening, when I got back to London and went straight over to Ted's house to drop off the prints from my disposable photos from Ghana and Togo... I ended up staying for tea and poring over the photos together, laughing at the irreversible, candid beauty that is what I love about disposables. They are such an awesome bunch of images- the kind that you can laugh at and remember every minute of the day it was taken in 30 years time.

Monday was spent -and I am now starting to realise why I'm so behind in work- at said house again, and to be fair, a lot of reading was done whilst Louise, Viki, and I were sat together; descent into hyperactive chaos began once Ted entered, and sugary treats (as always, provided by Louise) were introduced to the equation. I had an awesome evening, including watching Anatomy videos with the funny-accent guy ("meta-tar-sal"), which only got funnier once I got home and Leo arrived.

And tonight I've just got back from Tom's, and have definitely written enough for one post, and so will summarise the evening by saying that I'm so grateful to have so many amazing people in my life (:

Exhale.

Shut eyes.

Sleep.

Orchid.

Dandelion Kiss

2010-10-25T21:45:00.003+01:00

I'm listening to Avril Lavigne. This can't be good.

Curses, curses for not writing more often. Shaking a metaphorical fist at myself is firstly physically awkward, and secondly not going to create a mystical history-pen, so let's go from here.

I have now been fully immersed into second year, and I've decided I don't like it. I take my own words with a pinch of salt here, because they are accompanied by a sticking-out lower lip, and therefore may change in poignance with time. An hour may well be enough.

To clarify; everything is amazing. I love every single one of my classes: Palaeoanthropology (I can now tell you, from a mere fragment of bone whether it is fossil, living, ape, human, fibula or femur, and more); Primate behaviour and ecology (lecturer has lived longer with apes than with humans. Specialised in primate homosexuality); International health policy... in which I get to learn in great detail how impossibly corrupt the entire world is; and Medical microbiology- just pure nerdy awesome.

I love my house for being so cosy, my housemates for being so crazy, and my new neighbourhood for being so green and beautiful. Hampstead Heath is only 10 minutes away; I went for the first time on Sunday and it really is as gorgeous as everyone says. It's no Bagley Wood, but I don't want it to be.

I have a job, I have a pot of flowers, I have my sewing machine, I have a bicycle. It would be nice to have some friends to cycle to.

Things are so different this year. I am exaggerating; I do have friends, but they are new ones. Newfound friends who too care about dance- who live and breathe it too; those who can't sit still and watch all the crap that goes on in the world and want to do something about it; and those who simply occur in my day-to-day. I guess what's easy, goes.

And what isn't falls apart.

Distance isn't easy, apathy isn't easy, and changing what's important to everyone- who's important- isn't easy. What makes me sadder than anything is that it doesn't even feel weird, and I seem to have learnt simply not to miss anybody anymore. All that happens is the occasional awkward moment, sitting on a bus by myself, remembering how good things were not too long ago, smiling, and then remembering how excited I was for this year to be exactly the same. It will be golden. I just really, really hope, in a birthday candle way, that it doesn't have to mean losing those people who were my rock.

I almost hope I still can't live without them.

Orchid.

Jack

2010-09-29T23:55:00.002+01:00

Dear Blog,

I am about to begin another melancholy drone, and have realised that you have become one of those friends one only speaks to on matters of self deprecation. I do apologise, however, I shall continue on my miserly tone until the next time we speak.

Faithfully,

Orchid

I feel awful.

I tried calling my Mother today, and realised that despite feeling lonely, I don't really want to speak to anybody right now. Every word I hear from somebody I know makes me want to cry out for freedom from the damn conversation, and yet I want to curl up into familiar arms, and stay there for a while. I feel incompetent, inadequate, ignorant, and a failure.

Jack of all trades, and master of none; I don't know how I'm going to be able to do anything with myself. I don't have the time (or currently even the patience) to see my friends; nor am I going to be a marvel within the things taking up my time right now.

Listless, in a word.

Orchid

Church

2010-09-20T00:28:00.002+01:00

What a week.

God, I hate that phrase, but really, what a week.

It has been carefully composed of some unforgettable days, with unforgettable people; forgivable days, with certainly forgettable people, and of course, the Sabbath, a day for no work (broken), and quiet reflection on the crap that you don't have to think about on weekdays.

My mind is fairly insane right now- it's a week since I got back from Ghana, with so much that we did, achieved, so much to tell, to write- and all I can think of is who I am.

Who I am.

Who I am??

Who cares? I thought I hardly did, and the thought of soul-searching somewhat disgusts me, but here I am, thinking about what 'everybody else must think of me' and how 'I'm a poor excuse for a human being, especially more so for a woman'; and worrying, eyebrows curved permanently into a distant seagull, of 'what should become of me' in the future.

And this isn't the anxiety of a day, one that can be blown away forever by the good words of a friend, or a song I've been missing. It's one that waxes and wanes- given enough time to ponder- and I don't know how to fix.

In similar news, here are some being-back-again vows:

I shall take up pilates.

I shall take a photo of myself everytime I cry. I cry far too much for my own good, and bizarre as it may be, I think recording every occasion on which I do cry will help me stop... crying is often very self-indulgent, and maybe I can embarrass myself into becoming less melodramatic.

Last thing- I shall begin to use the word 'I' less often.

It's a rather poor excuse for the subject of a sentence.

Orchid.

Jade

2010-07-26T23:57:00.002+01:00

I dont' think anything on the internet has ever made me smile so much:

"Today I was driving by the lake and I saw a Jeep full of guys pass me. They were hanging out the windows and the sunroof, paddling with canoe paddles, and singing "Just Around the Riverbend" from Pocahontas. It easily may have been the coolest thing I've seen, ever. MLIA"

Yep, I'd say that's about it for today.

Orchid.

40,000 Knots

2010-07-25T23:53:00.003+01:00

On Wednesday afternoon, looking out onto a rain-drenched Deutschland, I suddenly realised that: 2 weeks ago exactly, I was marching swiftly through central London; 1 week ago exactly, I was drifting through some Oxonian field; 1 week later I would be sleeping in Cairo, and 2 weeks later I would be haggling for a band, studio time, and some materials for film props in a market in Accra.

Sweet.

The past few days in Cologne have been amazing. I saw absolutely nothing of Germany aside from multiple, slightly-different-from-British H&Ms- God bless H&M, really, truly- and made up for a lot of lost time with a small corner of my family, staying up until the early hours talking, laughing, crying.

And so begins the rush to get packed, organised- not to mention insured- for Ghana, see a few more of my dearest, and head off... first on my list is getting my copy of Teach yourself Turkish... why not?!

Orchid.

Softly

2010-07-16T23:39:00.002+01:00

All the leaves stuck to the soles of my feet, the dirt under my fingernails, the words I can't quite get my tongue around, the grace of a young lady, not quite yet acquired, are the vowels of what makes up me. They don't create the most beautiful syntax, but they are all I have.

So I'm going to hold onto them, tightly, softly.

Orchid.

Red

2010-07-16T22:13:00.002+01:00

Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart; you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.

My ex-stepfather found out about my tattoo today. This was bad. Bad. Not least because I calmly had said a few days before that I had my opinions about tattoos and he had his- incorrect: I do not understand the meaning of the word opinion, I, at 19 years old cannot have opinions, and if what I voice differs from what is said by his Highness himself, it is frankly, false.

My tattoo is a stupid idea, detracting from my main goal in life (which is to become a Professor, for all, including myself, who didn't know), and if it was a good idea and I wasn't ashamed of it I'd have it on my face. It is also no different from if I had got knocked up or hooked on crack.

I'm small, I mean nothing, there is never any reasoning behind decisions I take, everything I choose is out of stupid youthful lust for the unknown, and I am sorely mistaken if I ever believe that I am somewhat more intelligent or knowledgeable than Sir Disdain.

If I am spoken to like a five-year-old, I will respond accordingly. Please await your punishment, in the form of hats, superglue, and swapped hair lotions, Sire.

India Ink

2010-07-14T22:11:00.002+01:00

God I love my friends. They're brilliant, fabulous, wonderful, everything, everything I could want and more. Perhaps it's because it is summer.

No.

Over the past one or two years, I have felt more and more complete and perfect with the people I have around me, and through all this time, I never cease to hear the comment "your friends are so nice!", as if this isn't expected, or normal, as if surprised. Maybe it is slightly odd that I am so blessed, maybe others are not.

After work yesterday I went to my friend's birthday gathering at a most certainly overpriced bar (more expensive than London, £1.50 for a soda lime, I kid you not), and saw all my friends from school. Well the majority of them. To put a wider grin on my face, Josh came to visit me in Oxford today. We went to Maxwells to visit Ben, and ended up spending hours there.

Ben, you are the actual best person in the whole world. The world.

Love,

Orchid

Glare

2010-07-12T00:30:00.003+01:00

I'm starting to panic slightly about losing the summer, the real summer where you run around in basically a sheet & your little wicker basket on your bike & all that matters is being free.

I don't like my white dresses & my bicycle is broken.

Sinestra

2010-07-05T22:36:00.002+01:00

Yasmine killed Benno.

Today, walking back home for lunch, i almost walked straight past Benno, thinking he was a flickering leaf in the middle of the road. Benno, in fact, turned out to be a little ball of feathers, & a feisty one too. He must have fallen out of his nest, & not only too young to fly back up, but unable to hold onto the branches i tried to put him on, falling to the ground & running out into the road again. He didn't seem to be a sparrow, and had wispy eyebrows, reminiscent of an owl or a merry sort of grandfather; he hopped into my left hand & i took him home.

I left him in a box with fallen flowers & twigs; a bowl of water & some bread soaking in it, & left him to close his eyes & sleep, with the faint hum of a heartbeat that young birds always have. I left him with my mother, told her to keep an eye on him & make sure that my little sister wouldn't frighten him when she got home from school.

After work & then an, um, interesting, but lovely cup of tea at Greg's, i went to visit my friend's brand new baby boy, who is so gorgeous & bright. I really do want the very best for them both.

At about 9 'o clock tonight, we came back to find Benno drowned.

My sister had put a wide bowl, filled to the brim with water, in his box despite the number of times my mother had told her not to because he would fall in & choke, & Benno was nothing but a feathered skeleton, limp & wet in my hands. I tried CPR- a little water did come out of his mouth & nostrils- & blew gently into his mouth, but i don't know if what i felt was that familiar tremor, or the pulse in my own fingers which held him.

Eventually i took him outside, wishing that his mother would find him & care for him... he grew heavier in my hands as i walked back outside, & i would love to believe that he was slowly awakening.

Oh no.

Orchid

Blueprint

2010-07-04T23:09:00.004+01:00

Is it weird that i'm really excited for the future? I mean, not simply tomorrow when i get to see my friend's brand new baby boy, not really the weeks ahead in which i'll finally have time to see my friends properly, not even going to Ghana in a few weeks... i'm excited for my life.

I'm going to be fine.

It's not that i have every step mapped and i know exactly where i'm going- i don't- but, but i no longer want everything to be okay; i know i can make it okay, no- i can make it amazing. I just have a small feeling that my life is going to be what i have wished for... what i've wished for everytime i've cried until my head hurt, everytime i've had those blessed seconds to watch the grass & its family from barely a breath away, with every brush of smoke from a birthday candle each May.

I once read an autobiography called 'Ten thousand sorrows'. It was based on a Buddhist proverb the author's mother had told her, that "life is made up of ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows".

Today i've decided it's almost time to begin to fulfill the best part of the former.

Orchid

Prosopagnosia

2010-07-04T02:03:00.002+01:00

I think I'm beginning to forget some of the faces i've grown up with through school, this town, this city. They could be any other stranger now, I can hardly believe I would have only a year ago, been able to tell who they were from the end of a street, just from the way they walked, or something. The weirdest thing is, I couldn't care less.

I'm refining in my mind those who matter to me... it's starting to look like a shortlist of people I've always mattered to, no matter what.

Greg, I miss you, let's catch up (:

Orchid

Quill

2010-06-13T23:09:00.003+01:00

It's been far too long; i miss writing.

The past month has been composed of some weeks filled with ancient intellect, roaming museums and once-great buildings, some weeks with an unnamable pensiveness, and others with friends, sun and as much grass as London can muster.

Oh and not to mention finding a house for next year, not forgetting finding my inner 1950s WI-type domestic goddess along with it. My sewing list has doubled already.

I've been both craving and dreading coming home, and 3 days in, my reasons for both have been well and truly played out. I came back on Thursday night to surprise my Mother for her birthday, and have since unpacked, earned a full day's wage, been to a metal gig, basically started a band, essentially trashed the front of the Radcliffe Camera, and longed to leave at any given opportunity.

Song writing starts tomorrow, let's see how long this goes on for before i remember that i won't get anywhere with music again. It's a teetering scale swinging between aiming for a goal, wanting recognition, a name; and an irrational need to make music for my very sanity, and because if i'm not a musician in some form, i don't know what i am. It feels a little ironic though, singing, writing lovesongs when i know nothing about anything... but if music isn't about love, then what the hell is it about?

Orchid.

Cloud

2010-06-05T01:47:00.002+01:00

Oh. So this is what abandonment feels like.

76 inches, 88 keys

2010-05-27T12:04:00.003+01:00

I started writing this at least 14 times.

Today, this week, this mind, nothing is the right answer. But when i think about it, nothing is the right question either. I feel like this is me curling up into the smallest way of being human possible, to shield myself from all the philosophies and changing winds that i don't quite understand.

I cannot help but fall in love with everything that glitters, and everyone who is beautiful to me, and i cannot help but hurt when they're not around. I wish i hated, i wish i could only give halfheartedly, but i simply cannot. I cannot say goodbye without a tear, nor hello without wincing with the knowledge that the future will have to be farewell.

I don't know what i'm saying, there's too much, and there are no words. I want to fill the world with all the love i feel for it, want for it, wish upon every person walking it, i...

... don't know.

It's not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough.

Orchid.

Diary

2010-05-17T22:11:00.002+01:00

You would think that after a season of heavy exams (hence the blog neglect), you would be able to close your eyes, count 1 to 10, and relax. On the other hand, you could have bitten off just a little more than you could chew, and find yourself replying to a seemingly endless list of important emails (Dear Whoever, I am so extremely sorry for the delay in response, I have been up to my ears in revision which should have really been done throughout the year, procrastination which I thought I had exorcised before I became a real student, and about 5 hours of sleep every night for the past month...); ignored text messages, and sorting out my life.

I have six ongoing projects at the moment, all of course with a lot of backlog. Yeesh.

On the other hand, I had a super birthday party over the weekend and got to see most of all of my favourites, but all of my most favourites (:

And now I think it's time for bed.

Orchid

Chi

2010-04-24T23:57:00.002+01:00

This won't be lyrical, but it's all i can cough up right now.

So i'm still screwed for exams, more so than before, although this time it's totally my own fault & i'm a bad student. This is nothing to do with bad luck.

Although, i take part of that back. I've been feverishly ill for the best part of this week, to the point where i couldn't concentrate on Lemsip instructions, let alone gastrulation or whatever.

Yesterday i went to Regents Park for the first time; it's beautiful.

Today i cleaned my room out, so that i can focus more.

Earlier i admitted something, to a friend, and to myself.

Tonight i made a promise; i'm going to keep it.

On top of that, i'm going to turn yet another new leaf, and i'm going to be a really nice person, a really good person. I want to make myself proud.

Orchid.

Key

2010-04-13T19:22:00.005+01:00

Oh my God.

I am actually going to fail my exams.

I am well aware I say this every year. But I actually am. Holy mother of Jesus. To make my day a little more interesting than the realisation that I am so fucking fucked, my life, along with any visual abilities I had left, is officially over. I have been staying in my friend's room while she's been away as my roommate's family have been staying over, and so, all of my most important possessions for this joyful season are in there; my laptop, all my books and notes from the whole year, my toothbrush and glasses are in that one room. And I leave that one damn room for a mere 2 hours, only to find it locked upon my return. Adding just that much more excitement to the whole scenario, it is not (as it never, ever is) in our goddamn policy to open the door for you without explicit permission from your friend. Who is in China. Until the end of next week.

Fuck.
My.
Life.

Carmen

2010-04-12T20:27:00.002+01:00

This is the bird i buried by the Church:

Orchid.

900Ti

2010-04-10T23:56:00.004+01:00

This would have been the story of my week in Egypt, but it shall have to be a tribute to my first true love.

Dear IXUS,

I loved you. You were the first one to understand me; you were the first thing i ever understood without trying. You were there for poetry with no words, you were there to crystallise meadow-lit smiles. Every port and boundary i have crossed in the past few years: you were there.

You told me about magic; how sometimes, there are things only your very own eyes can see, and so to treasure every blink and flash for the fear that they belong only in the space of a second.

I remember the first ever photograph you gave me, and now, i have the last. I remember our- me Chris and Greg's- discovery that you were special; when you were 10.0 megapixels and nothing else came close, and the first thing i had ever seen with face detection and rotating images. I remember when your bolts came loose, and there was a pinprick on your screen. I loved you nevertheless and bandaged you up because i knew that still, you were the best camera in the whole world.

I remember when i lost you. I remember when i lost you, and i couldn't speak to anybody, and i couldn't see a beautiful thing without wishing, longing, that you could be there to see it with me- and everything else i saw was the mirage of your greying titanium gleam. And being reunited is one of the happiest memories i know, and ever will.

But now, it's not the same. This is it, Egypt has eaten you up for good. I think i knew in my heart of hearts that we were soon to part for good. I was ready for everything but the loneliness, the true feeling of "like i've lost a limb".

Chloe, now i truly understand how you must have felt without Bez; Melissa, i know how you felt after that party.

I will never forget you.

Orchid.

S.O.S

2010-04-09T22:11:00.002+01:00

You know, as everyone else does, in your little shelf of obvious facts in a pocket of your brain, that you're dying from the moment you're born, hairs, layers of skin, snakelike. Right now, however, it's as though i can actually feel each cell bidding me a farewell, cell after cell, eating closer and closer to a core where my soul was once safe from insanity. I am in total isolation, in an alien place, and every academic word ever written makes me want to gag. I am an expert now in a variety of diseases, & find watching the open fridge's standstill existence hypnotic and novel.

Jesus.

I miss... living?

Cotangent

2010-04-01T17:21:00.004+01:00

As requested.

I am definitely not cut out for hot weather, and beginning to doubt highly supported hypotheses of african origin of humans- no sign of acclimatisation, no sign of brain activity in the median hours of the day. The most i have stretched myself to do today is to go swimming at the crack of dawn with my sister, write a few postcards at lunchtime, & drag myself in a zombie-like fashion to a shop to buy some water. Oh and colour-code some notes on transitional epithelia, my favourite.

The weekend preceding our travels to Egypt was packed and good; the week itself, packed and sleepless, clocking a total of 23 hours of sleep, and i'm still compensating. On Friday, following a lot of rushing around, meeting deadlines, tutors and trains, Tom and i set off to Oxford for his birthday present (about time too), an Ellie Goulding gig at the Zodiac. The support band were disappointing, and slightly hate-able, but the inbetween music was awesome, notably so- little bit of 70's funk here, little bit of Come as you are there. As for the lady herself, she was beautiful and demure, as expected, and the music was amazing as well, one girl and her drum taken to the next level. The more i think about it, the more glad i am that i went.

We trekked back to town; finding no-one at the PT, we headed Four-Candles-wards to find a couple of people there, and then officially acquainted Tom with Branos, before we headed home, by which point i was deliriously awake.

The next day, i spent the day walking around Oxford, in the sun, rain, East & West ends, from lunch to tea break & finally to home, where my friend Lauryn was waiting for me (in between town and home i found a dead bird which i buried beside the church, tributary photos and more to follow). About a 6 months into homelessness and house-hopping, 7 months into pregnancy, and it's going to be a boy. I feel awful for her, but also so excited- she's going to be a great mother. I think i'll end up going to the delivery with her, i don't think anyone else will be. Oh dear.

More later, i have to run off to a pyramid or something.

Orchid

p.s. Chlo i'm so proud of you! More than you know (:

Latitude

2010-03-20T08:36:00.002Z

It's a shame you don't know what you're running from...

How do i even begin to describe every vein in a butterfly's wing, every single one of the million turquoises it can be in every different light, and just the next four footprints i'll show to the dust, from the thousands that are yet to be mapped onto the globe. And where they will be?

Arete

2010-03-19T00:33:00.002Z

Today, Tom saved my life.

It was the first time in a good while that my severe inability to cross roads (coupled with my oh-so helpful rabbit in headlights response) actually almost got me run over for real, but luckily i had a Tom right there to intervene, or rather to delay what's been coming my way for a long time. One of these days...

Thx bbz (;

Orchid

Puella, puellam, puellae

2010-03-17T23:04:00.002Z

I am quite ill.

Having gone through an entire box of tissues & all motivation to work in my sorry state, i have settled for listening to the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack (original Disney), reading the original manuscript on the British Library website, & tumbling down, down, down into my Missing-Oxford rabbit-hole.

I want a Chloe to take care of me, but because i am ever so lucky, i have a Milly who came back with Fortnum & Mason chocolate for me, despite having given up chocolate for lent herself (how selfless), & a Lottie bearing further chocolatish delights, & flowers.

Oh my ears & whiskers, how late it's getting!

Orchid

Eighteen

2010-03-12T02:40:00.003Z

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS COS WE'RE YOUNG AND IN LOVE.

Quartz

2010-03-09T23:36:00.002Z

Stress, according to our psychology lecture today, is the perception of too little time for the tasks at hand, which causes physiological changes. So what does that make me? There is no time. I need more time, more minutes in an hour and on my phone. I want more time to sleep, more time to write- i had the most amazing week last week, in particular the most amazing Monday, & i'm afraid that i'll forget it all because i haven't had the time to write. And even now, i don't, i write this eyes-closed, dreams-calling, wind-singing-a-lullaby.

And so to bed.

Orchid.

Forced Vital

2010-02-28T23:44:00.003Z

I just want to say...

Iwishiwashomesoicoulddancelikealoon&singlikeacat...

& walk barefoot through the grass,

Reach my arms up to the ceiling & pretend it's the sky,

& find the highest note that i could ever reach,

Sew a new dress, take a new breath.

Blow glitter to the night, & paint a pair of eyes, a soul, onto the back of a cereal packet.

& sing.

Liopleurodon

2010-02-28T20:25:00.004Z

Only things of note in the past few days:

Randomly deciding at 9 pm to go to the Natural History Museum on Friday night. Dinosaur masks, trying to get locked in over night (& obviously failing), & being in absolute awe of all the bird specimens. I've always wondered how Darwin could have looked at a bunch of finches & thought "Ah yes, finally, absolute proof that there is no God!" To me, that's hard, solid evidence before your very eyes that there is certainly an amazing power beyond the material & beyond what we can possibly ever understand. To me, that's the knowledge that i'm not alone. I take back what i said about the Natural History Museum in London being a poor show in comparison to Oxford's; it's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Making an amazing lunch today. Chicken & rice. I may parade around with a sign now, announcing the fact that i am not a vegetarian, with the remains of my Sunday déjeuner painted across it. That'll show 'em. Alternatively, i'll learn the names of all the dinosaurs.

Orchid.

Spaceman

2010-02-25T00:25:00.005Z

I cannot express how happy i am that i came to a London University, & not some other place where it may have been easier in many aspects. I had the most awesome reading week last week. In fact this term has been amazing, & we're only just over halfway through.

Just last week i went to Brighton on Wednesday. Then to a free gig & beachwear label catwalk thing on Thursday with (as seems to be part of a weekly routine for me now) free drinks & canapés, & the hottest models, at a club next to The Ritz. On Friday, i got free tickets to see Dead By Sunrise in Camden, & had a surprisingly awesome time: the support band were insane, but as per usual somewhat ruined by a crowd of douches too cool to dance.

I've just got back from a silent disco at the Science Museum. The way things are going, i'm thinking museum events are the way forward. Only about a month ago i was at a masquerade ball at the V&A, & this was even better. And nobody would ever dance like that at a club, it was so awesome just to see people dancing like they do in their bedrooms. And even more amazing to take your headphones off in the middle of Empire State of Mind, & see hundreds of eyes closed, & hear hundreds of people singing "There's nothing you can't do" with absolutely, all they've got.

Note, all of the above- free. Totally, utterly free. The guest list/ secret event life, i've definitely acquired a taste for it.

And:

"...yeah you told me in your blog"

Seeing as you claim a little ownership over it...

Dear Tom,

I think you're so cool, you're my idol. I want to be just like you when i grow up. Cooking rice with you is always lots of fun, & i am glad that you like crispy rice as much as i do. It makes me even happier to know that you too understand about how it's useless after about 10 minutes. I'm sorry for the times that i stormed off, especially when i slammed the door real loud, & i'm sorry for all the times when i kicked or hit you way too hard. I'm sorry for the time you couldn't eat any of the chocolates because we mixed them with the tramp ones. You're really good at plaiting & knitting & cooking & making me laugh & knowing what song i'm thinking of. I hope that you lose our bet & i get Pocky from you... although i will still steal almost all of them if you win. I know i say that i hate going to Tesco with you, but i don't really, & anyways, when else do i laugh so much when i hear "Please insert your card into the chip&pin device"? That is what she said. You are very special, & you get a bazillion more bricks than Fritzl Come on, he gets like one for merely being a bunch of molecules, and no more. You get a bazillion.

Orchid

xoxo

Polly

2010-02-21T23:25:00.002Z

I think i was almost physically sick with disgust & contempt, more contempt than i have ever felt for the world we live in. And for myself; i did absolutely nothing to help, nothing. I don't know who you are, but i hope to God you're okay.

Orchid

Locket

2010-02-20T23:05:00.004Z

Fill my hands with water

Drenched in all the words

That were spoken by a mother

To a voiceless bird

Steal the night, the hours

With mirrors, & ink unspilt

And all I’ll eat are flowers

And all I’ll taste is guilt

Hidden from the horse’s mouth

Gilded lies fly North to South

And I am not a little girl

But sleeping daisies fill my world

I blow them kisses

But they will not wake

And what’s a curve to a knighted world

What’s a diamond to a sea of pearls

What is coal to eyes that are black

They only see black, she breathes black

So what is black to the stars

Who have long

Turned

Their

Backs?

I'll never tell.

Sleepless

2010-02-13T12:03:00.005Z

The best way to go night to night is with irony, i find.

Spend one evening dressed to the nines in 'New York', listening to Gershwin, in awe of the orchestra; spend the next at a secret Chinese New Year VIP gathering, with no Chinese people, where only the young professionals of Brick Lane are 'cool' enough to experience Chinese Experimental/Punk. Spend the next screaming 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night' with every fibre of your being, eyes closed, arms skywards.

"The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles."

Orchid.

Blue Rinse

2010-02-12T01:06:00.003Z

Oh man do i want to go home.

I just want so much to go to the Nag's Head, steal the whole sofa & have a chat with Stabby-Joe, talk about what new shops are due to open in the precinct, & get chips from Smart's on the way back home.

I want to go back to Masons, buy ribbon i will never use in every width & colour, & get especially excited when i see there's a new one in the 20p bundle basket. Go to the tearoom, talk to old women about the weather & how i'm growing up to be a lovely young lady, not like those other youths.

I want to sit under my tree in Albert Park & pretend to integrate & cross-multiply, while in fact counting blades of grass in complete bliss, waiting for Ben to arrive with Merlin on his walk, so i can tell him my next plan to save the World.

I want to catch the bus to town, complain about how extortionate the bus prices are, how much better transport is here, but know that i would never in London experience the same comfort i do when i see the same bus drivers who helped me catch the bus by myself for the first time, let me off when i had no money, asked me about my day, believed me when i lied about my age, laughed at me when i finally dropped that pretense. I want to get off at St Aldates, rush for no reason through the crowds, walk to Cornmarket, to HMV & see who the new kids in town are; feel disgusted at how mouthy & obnoxious today's 15-year-olds are. Go to Shakeaway, visit Emma for a while- although maybe not anymore- then to Mahogany, & wave to Rupert through the window. Call Chloe, laugh, cry, scream. Get ambushed by Melissa ;)

Go to Kennington, for swings & minimilks, & more swings &, actually, no roundabouts.

Pretend to myself that i'm going to go out to the Bridge, meet everyone at the Red Lion or something, then decide to go home at 9. Walk back alone in the pitch black, & stop, stare, at St Michael's church, because it's so beautiful at night. Open the gate, step lightly to the porch, look in, look for flowers, or someone who could change my life forever. I just feel that's the sort of place you'd meet them. Out through another gate, down the road, slip my key into the lock, & go & tell my Mother all about my day.

And i'd say it had been wonderful.

Orchid.

Cocoon

2010-02-10T16:20:00.002Z

You can throw daisies over your shoulder all day long, but sometime, maybe around twilight, you must leave behind gingham & major chords, & look for roses.

Ragdoll

2010-02-09T12:00:00.002Z

I should really learn how to stand up for myself.

Yesterday was so-so, not much to say, and i'd planned a productive evening of cardiac physiology. Cardiac physiology is hard enough as it is. It is made no easier by very loud, fast Swedish buzzing beside you over Skype for certainly over one hour, possibly over two. In this situation, you may wish to block out the incessant noise by turning up your music; alas, this only results in the feeling that your head is about to implode.

So i took myself off to Jo's room, where everyone was hanging out, and waiting for some jelly to set. In the meantime, Tom & i occupied ourselves with the phenomenon that is Lottie's Stick On Bra- the ceiling, the window, a face- all good places to test its suction power.

I'd forgotten how good jelly is. Mind you, the jelly last night was by no means even comparable to our old School Jelly, but it was jelly nonetheless. I'd also forgotten how much of an effect sugar has on me.

Following much colloid-joy, i decided to go to bed. Or perhaps not. My roommate had locked the door, having gone to bed, while i, on the other hand, had left my keys, my phone, my- well everything except for my own self- in the room. And no amount of knocking aided my cause. Next up, very cold, very, very cold night spent on hard floor wrapped in Jo and Milly's combined pyjamas, towels & sleeping bag. Fast forward to this morning, and i managed to get the spare key from reception (still no response to my knocking), get myself to lectures, go for coffee, come back to find her still asleep. When she did wake up, i said nothing. When she asked me what was up, having told me about how glad she was that she finally managed to get a good night's sleep and various other excessively chirpy comments, i said "Nothing."

Oh well. All's well that ends well i guess.

Orchid.

Wardour

2010-02-07T23:45:00.002Z

Where to begin...

This week has been overly emotional, and highly strung. I have had a predictably stressful day today, but starting with yesterday, i did basically nothing except organising my files and reading up on aging in worms, and then being excited for Yasmine getting to London. I picked her up introduced her to "um.... these are the people i live with" (: and then took her out to dinner in Little Italy.

Chinatown is stunning at the moment; all the lanterns are up for New Years, and the paw-cats are lined up outside supermarkets. I'm glad she enjoyed it.

We came back, introduced her to more of my friends, & had a mini-party in my room, which was sweet.

And then today came knocking, accompanied with my Momma, uncle & too much food for one person. There are people you love, but would much rather avoid most of the time, calling up every now and again to let them know you care, but really hoping for the absolute minimum contact time. People who, even though you feel fine, you're fine, life is fine, how you've arranged your saucepans is fine, the order you put your books on a shelf is fine, continue to insist that there's an issue you should be upset about. People who really are no fun for smiley happy people. I am a smiley, happy person. My uncle falls into the former bracket. How stressful. In addition to this, my Mother's comments about how i appear to have "shrunk in the wash" were not very well received; i'd like to think, actually, that i am perfectly well, very much contented and am trundling along smashingly, thank you very much.

Having said all this, i do love my family, and my Mother is the best one in the world. Trust.

And you've got me standing in an

Awkward position with

Unwanted attention

And a need for explanation

But i could never let you go

And that is all i know.

I just played the most awesome game. Well:

Going through the alphabet, naming something from Harry Potter for each letter. I'm the second coolest person on this planet.

Oh and i just lost the Game. Had to be said, sorry everyone.

And finally,

This is for you.

You know who you are.

You will when you watch it.

Orchid.

Victoria's...

2010-02-06T01:45:00.004Z

It's one of those days where you've listened to the same song over and over, with people and reflections in between each rewind/play, and at suddenly 2 am every note and lyric makes sense. And there's no getting away from it.

It's one of those days you know is the one of few remaining, one of many gone by, biding time.

Dipping toes into water.

It's a new turn on a blue day.

I'm really excited, my baby sister is coming to stay over tomorrow, and by baby i mean kid; possibly an excursion to Leicester Square should be good, possibly giving Soho a wide berth.

Definitely choosing 'slumber party' over the million other 'awesome' ones, is the way forward. I miss her.

Orchid.

Fair Verona

2010-02-04T19:26:00.002Z

I give up, i give up, i give up.

I need a new box of tissues. This might mean i actually go to Tesco & buy real food & actually eat viable meals. Every cloud, i guess.

Thicker

2010-02-01T10:32:00.002Z

I wish i'd written earlier, or every night, because i've had such an amazing week & now i can't remember every detail. I remember last Monday night- being at work from 1.30 in the afternoon til 10.30 at night to help out at a drinks reception, rolling with the chief execs, chilling with the caterers one of which apparently was on BB5... & chocolates from my office on Wednesday for doing so, which i proceeded to hand out to people on the tube & on the street on my way back home. Went to a lecture by Vince Cable on Thursday night, which was very soothing to listen to if anything, & a masquerade ball at V&A on Friday... darling. Saturday was a day for sunshine so I went to Brick lane for bagels with a bunch of friends, making full, gloating use of my travelcard (: followed by my friend Katherine, who goes to my uni but i knew her from the year above at my school, coming over for hot chocolate & a long chat. And yesterday was DJs vs the Big C, which was really fun, if somewhat ruined by an angry phone call just as i was just about to go in. I got back, my friend made me dinner & helped me cook my lunches for the next week.

I know i keep saying this but i really do love everybody & everything so much. I love London for the fact that the other day i was thinking about how great a composer Gershwin was, & immediately checking out Timeout & booking tickets for a Gershwin concert. I love all of my friends, i think, more than they will ever know & i wish i could put it into words sometimes how inspirational they are to me, how fiercely i'd defend them if anybody dared disrespect them, & how they are my rock- i'd be at totally, utterly lost without them.

Despite how independent i like to think i am.

Orchid.

Stella

2010-01-26T20:22:00.005Z

Today is a day for John Mayer; Neon, Free Fallin'... She's a good girl.

As soon as I finished writing last night, as if the world had read my mind, My came on Skype. We talked for an hour or so, and then i went to sleep.

Today, the Sun came down to London to say hello, & let us know that the bitter cold is only our Winter fellow & there isn't too much longer to wait. And in the evening she is a reminder of a silver lining that we make with our own hands, & our own greedy eyes, the image that no photograph can capture, no film, and blazes at you from the window of a 6th floor, the point where the Sun greets the thick City smog somewhere in the distance and they dance for a while, and for a while you have eyes only for, only for, brilliant purple twilight.

And then you know.

Orchid.

Mulholland Drive

2010-01-26T00:26:00.003Z

I think i just realised something really important.

And straight after that, in a completely different direction, a different wave, i realised suddenly just how much i miss Mayumi, & how much i wish L.A was 5 minutes away for both of us & we could go hang out at hers & we'd go to an awesome gig & meet awesome people (but never more awesome than us) & walk back in the early hours singing Requiem at the top of our voices... or just mine, rather embarrassingly. It literally hurts, physically, to think about how it will have been at least a year, at the very, very least one year, by the time we see each other again.

I don't just miss my best friend. I'm miles & months away from a sister.

Orchid

Carousels

2010-01-23T23:57:00.002Z

It's probably clear that i'm not in a very wordy mood right now, not thinking in sentences, only in polaroids and pirouettes.

Lex

2010-01-22T23:36:00.010Z

l'Oxygène

2010-01-21T18:41:00.005Z

hé petite fille

tu bois de l'eau et tu es saoule

là où tu te noies tu as beau avoir pied tu coules

au port

au port

Advesa, Karuna

2010-01-21T00:42:00.003Z

Today i don't like:

£25 fine

Oyster

The temperature

How much work i have to do

The bitchy girl in my anthropology tutorial group

Today i love:

Going dancing every night

Samba

Salsa

"The girl from Ipanema"

Desafinado

My market friend

Bleach

The map, the globe

Everywhere

Everyone

Everything

You

Whoever you are.

Bubblewrap

2010-01-16T14:14:00.001Z

that is all.

Bluegrass

2010-01-14T17:40:00.002Z

Last night me & a couple of others here were having a jam which gradually turned into a little country sesh, as my friend is doing a year here instead of in America where she's from, & i insisted she taught us some proper American music.

So now my song of the day is Wagon Wheel (:

I've had a pretty random day; work at Westminster in the morning, followed by a lecture on acclimatisation (oh the irony), i've just got back from doing a few ECG scans on someone else (coupled with a proper grilling on the physics of it all from the assessor) & now i might go out dancing.

Except probably not. I feel really, really faint & since yesterday i keep getting really dizzy- i felt like i was about to pass out looking out of the tube window yesterday. It's taking every last ounce of energy just to stay awake & even go to sleep. I'm not even tired.

And i want to go to the seaside, now.

Orchid.

Chancery Lane

2010-01-13T22:46:00.002Z

I'm stuffed.

I did a little physiology this morning, before heading off to my first anthropology tutorial to decide my presentation topics and essays: Hunter Gatherers for next week & the Origins of Bipedalism in about a month. After MUN i hopped on the tube to work to discover on my desk a nice, fat pile of filing to do, but also 2 envelopes addressed to:

Miss Orchid Vishkaiy

The Liberal Democrat Party

4 Cowley Street...

One was a gentle kick up the backside wishing everybody a restful Christmas to prepare us for super hard grafting this year (i left before their official winter break started), while the other was a really adorable Christmas card (handwritten) from Nick Clegg.

After lots of ctrl A, right click, copy, minimise, paste, send, and realising that i'd be the first person in the office tomorrow morning, i went to meet my friend from my course, in Farringdon, from which we went back to his apartment...

I love having a gay best friend. Totally not what you were thinking right?

So now i'm back having been cooked a three course meal, an amazing three course meal ("Champagne darling?") in one of the most eccentric apartments i have ever seen- Persian carpets, vintage hand-drawn maps of Venice, brocade curtains, the best of course- & a couple of episodes of Absolutely Fabulous.

Hell.

Orchid.

Synapse

2010-01-12T21:56:00.005Z

To make everything worse, the Universe is incessantly sending acoustic guitar my way, just to make me even more pensive & daisy-brained.

And quite a lot like a square hole & a round cube; they just don't fit together.

I feel precarious & nervous, i just wish i knew why.

Let's do this upside down today.

93 Feet East

2010-01-10T22:23:00.005Z

By the end of last week i was definitely ready for my Ma to go back to work & my sister to school, having spent 24 hours a day with them for over a week, due to my issues with not spending time with them on the occasions they are free... & then there was snow.

The night it snowed in Oxford was like something from a strange dream. I'd started walking to Summertown with only a very thin layer of white on the ground, barely visible, barely audible under my feet. I wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to the real world, only to daydreaming, so reaching my friend's house & seeing myself soaking wet in the mirror outside, & looking down to see snow up to my knees felt like i'd missed out on an entire day of my life somehow. I stayed for a bit, met my other friend & trekked back to town & met our other friends at the pub. Oxford at midnight under a thick blanket of snow, untouched & untainted is something you really can't explain in words. The best thing about snow is how it puts everyone on the same level, regardless of age, regardless of culture, regardless of whether or not you know someone, it's like a present from the world to absolutely everyone. It took us hours to walk back, getting caught in crossfire here, being snow ambushed by total strangers there.

The worst thing about snow is that it means that once you do finally make it home, you're stuck there for good, your power cuts out for hours, & once it's fixed your heating decides to go A.W.O.L on you. And your driving test that you were SO going to pass this time is cancelled.

I never knew i would be this glad to be back- i really do love London & more than anything, my street. It's not a New Year's resolution, more a new term's resolution, but this time around i'm going to be more efficient, get work done fast, & then go to all the little niches of London i've been wanting to go to for so long, starting with sitting in on a Nickelodeon show because i apparently can, & going to more dance classes because i finally found the class i was looking for. I'm going to go through all my issues of Harpers Bazaar, all the back pages, because they always have really unique ideas of what to do with a morning, afternoon, night, hour, minute in London, things like a specific sandwich to take out from a specific food place & precisely which bench to sit on in the precise square while you eat it.

When i got back i went to visit my friend Olivia, who had just got back from Poland & had brought me back a beautiful classic eastern European scarf- i've always wanted one. We went on a walk & ended up on Oxford Street, which i hate but somehow always end up on. I spent the rest of the evening pretty much moping, much needed moping.

Yesterday i knitted about 5 inches of a hat for a friend's birthday present, did a little & nowhere near enough work, & made my costume for the software themed birthday party i was going to that night:

I'm Myspace (:

The party was more of a very fun gathering with cool people & music, & tuneless howling along to songs & surprising everyone with my extensive Tenacious D knowledge- Tribute is by far the best song to confuse people with if one person starts to play it, & while it seems to be a random weird song random people join in & also know all the words despite the fact that it is merely the beautiful ramblings of Jack Black. I hung out at my friend's flat (where the party was) in Stepney Green for most of today, & most of today was pretty depressing, what with today's bleak skies, graveyard & towerblock view outside the window & the very hungover or stressed remainder of the party people, while knowing that i'd end up achieving absolutely nothing today. Which is precisely what happened.

On the way back to halls though, i bumped into Tom for the first time since end of term, on his way to Oxford Street... needless to say, yet again i ended up trudging through endless people & Uni-Qlo, & being Tom's shopping slave. Which was fun (: Afterwards we went to Soho- again, sometimes you don't know what you've got til it's gone and you've got it back- & coming to say a quick hello to Tom's dad turned into going to dinner with them, & a major Chinese faux-pas on my part. Apparently if you finish your cup of tea, someone is stood right behind you, waiting for that precise moment to leap in & pour you more. And what's more, if you get to the end of the teapot, two seconds later you've got another one. Chinese hospitality, it turns out, dictates that if someone finishes their plateful/ cupful, it means they still want more. I did actually know that but i really never expected it to apply in a non-domestic situation.

I am SO tired now.

And starting to get quite excited about getting an apartment next year as i think i'll be trying to get a group together with Olivia, & i can imagine exactly what our place would be like- kind of like a trendy WI, with matching crockery & homemade curtains & lots of flowers.

Orchid

In Memoriam

2010-01-03T21:48:00.004Z

It's been a while.
Maybe if i work backwards i'll remember more.

Okay- today was a Sunday. Nuff said.
Yesterday... was amazing. I love yesterday. Muchos.
Livvy & her father picked me up in the morning from town & we went back to her house, which is a sweet little ex-cottage, still dressed to the nines for Christmas. We were then driven to Woodstock, & to the free entrance to Blenheim Palace Grounds. The bluest sky i'd seen for a while, the lovliest person i'd seen for a good while, cold, crisp & gorgeous. We had lunch in the quintessentially English village, while back at Livvy's afterwards we were treated to much needed mugs of hot chocolate.
I went to my Ma's, friend's, daughter's engagement party in the evening & talked to a couple of old eccentrics, which was quite fun.
In ways.

From Wednesday through Friday i was in London with my Ma, sister & uncle, visiting various extremely distant family & family friends, crashing the car, redecorating my room in halls & of course, New Years Eve. Well that was certainly a bizarre affair. Melissa came over in the early evening, we got ready & walked to Notting Hill (why do i never learn?) for Rupert to come & collect us once we'd got to a "gate with a jungle behind it, opposite Winter Wonderland". It turned out not to be an extension of Hyde Park which we originally thought he meant, but a series of very expensive apartments, one of which belonged to one of Rupert's very rich friends, where we also found Chloe and some other people we didn't know. We left to find a nearby pub, talked, sang, shouted, counted down about 3 times & were delighted to see it snow at 00.00 hours, Friday 1st of January 2010, on the dot. Having returned to the apartment & failed to locate food or any takeaways in the whole of central London (although one did answer only to tell us they were having a party), Melissa & i decided to go on an adventure & milk free transport until 4.30 am for all it was worth.

A kind of North, South, East, West thing.

And to be quite honest, i really don't remember beyond that.
Other than that i saw Mary on Tuesday & it was lovely... & i saw Ben at some point, which was very much strictly necessary- theres only so long i can go on being sane without the boy.

And that Christmas day was a partial success- i only managed to achieve one out my three aims for that day, but it was the best one. So now i have a plan.

(:

Orchid.

Green.

2009-12-29T00:15:00.003Z

One of my favourite Iranian songs is called 'Jomeh' which means Friday, the Persian equivalent of Sunday, the Sabbath, whatever. It's meant to be a holy day, a sacred day. The song has some of the most chilling lyrics i have ever heard:

"Dareh as abreh siah

khoon micheke

jomeha khoon

mesle baroon

michekeh"

Which translates as:

There is blood dripping from black clouds

Blood drips like rain on a Friday

Not gonna lie, it doesn't have the same ring to it en Anglais. But i can't find it anywhere on the internet as it's very old, so it's all i can do.

I hate sitting endlessly at the hands of countless news channels, while the phone lines are cut off.

Enough.

Shake!

2009-12-24T11:07:00.003Z

Who knew that genuine fun & festivities could be had at the infamous Summertown Church Hall?

Thanks to Joe Wilson for an aweome party, not a 'banging' party, but an awesome one. Fake snow, yoga balls, tealights & incense (courtesy of yours truly), & summer music- this is my new favourite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwVsObcNYvI

I can't wait to go to Rio & Mardi Gras one day... but i've always wondered what it will feel like once i've done it; i realised that if i have a dream, that is it, & so far it's completely unattainable which keeps the concept as a fond optimism. I wonder if actually living it will change anything, if i'll have a light to look to, a day to strive for. Not that it is my one and only motivation by any means, but once you have it all...?

I think this is the effect of far too much incense (:

Bar forgetting my ID on Monday night, it's been a really nice week so far; shopping with my sister (distance does make the heart grow fonder), seeing everybody from my 6th form- realising that i have missed even the people i was never even very good friends with- Dominos & Mighty Boosh with Greg, & lying down on my bedroom floor, the living room floor, the Church Hall floor, because i miss having floor space (that's London student accomodation for you).

If i manage to get to Midnight Mass tonight & figure out a plan to save the world by tomorrow, it will have been a very nice week. Oh & if i manage to read through 15 papers. Hmm.

Orchid.

Oyster

2009-12-23T00:23:00.003Z

^^

Last week was a really awesome week:

5 fire evacuations at around 2.30 am - 5.00 am
2 amazing gigs
2 exams... over & out of the way
finally bonding properly with my roommate
work Christmas party, meeting Nick Clegg my boss
too much caffeine
too many goodbyes & trips to Heathrow
a lot of love
3 hours at the library
5 books, 32 papers
10 (ish) kilos of holiday reading
3 degrees centigrade
3 hours travel
-2 degrees centigrade
& home at last.

I'm far too tired to go through it all properly right now, especially as i have no way of uploading the sequence of photos revealing the most amazing gift i've ever recieved... ever, from Chloe.

Things are good. Bizarrely, coming back home has reminded me how much i love making music, just how much i miss it & that i need to get back into it as soon as i'm back in London. Which, by the way, i miss dearly.

A number of things- University, the move, old photographs, speaking to my Grandmother on the phone as the first thing i did as soon as i was back, a summer dress- have made me understand where i come from, where home really is.

I am a citizen of the World.

<3

2009-12-16T02:23:00.001Z

I think i'm in love with this city.

Including all its ugliness, & all its dirty little secrets.

Peachy Keen

2009-12-14T23:52:00.002Z

PEACHES WAS AMAZING.

I LOVE HER.

I WANT TO BE HER.

The way to briefly describe the gig was that, if Lady Gaga was watching, her exact thoughts would be "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, i really need to get one of those!" Like, every five minutes of the gig. There was hair, there were leotards, there were freakin laser harps. Check them out. As in, laser beams you could control to play notes, just like you would a real harp. Yeah.

She dressed up as MJ for one song, she walked on the crowd's hands for another, telling us that if she fell over the show was over. In one song, i looked behind me & she had half the crowd topless, dancing. And a few bras on stage too.

That's what i call influence.

My voice is only worse for wear now, & come Saturday i will have none at all.

Hello tomorrow (:

Orchid.

Cocoa

2009-12-12T22:10:00.005Z

Man flu is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

Definitely.

Yesterday morning i woke up & thought "Somebody has filled the cavity between my skull & prefrontal cortex with mush. And holy crap i can't breathe." Enter horrible cold, at precisely the worst time ever, & the realisation that i had a two hour lecture followed by six hours at work.

An hour into my lecture (limb formation, mutants & Sonic Hedgehog) & the lecturer put up a slide with the timings for our course Christmas party, & said "See you next week" By some miracle of fate, i simultaneously get a text from my colleague saying that our boss has swine flu & she feels ill anyway, so i shouldn't bother coming in.

Hell.

Yeah.

My friend Sophia from my course came back with me to my halls, where we made lunch, did my washing a.k.a laundry room chilling & had basically a daytime sleepover i.e. we both felt like crap so talked for hours in a half-napping state. She left, i did some work, & remembered that we had a basement party that night. Not surprisingly, i didn't go...

Instead, the party pretty much came to me. Right at this minute i don't think i have ever felt so loved, & if i was an emoticon i would be '^^'. Loads of people came up to my room to see that if i was okay, someone offered to make me a vegan soup (i'm starting to believe that i really am vegetarian), at one point there were at least seven other people in my room, which if you see the size of it, is fairly impressive.

Today i went to study in the library with Chelvi, & decided that i'm officially screwed for the two exams i have on Friday. Not only will they be hard, require hours & hours of time that i should probably be asleep, but i'm also uber busy this week too. Put it this way, i'm seeing Basement Jaxx the night before.

But come to think of it, i'm seeing Basement Jaxx the night before... *girly scream*

Back to being ill- I came back from the library early because Chelvi suddenly let out a gasp in the middle of the silent Medical Sciences section, that X factor had started & she needed to run. Oh my God.

I got back, wallowed in self pity for a while, thought about doing work.

About an hour ago, Tom came to my room with a huge cup of hot chocolate, with marshmallows & everything:

I'm a happy bunny (:

Also, the BT tower is like a friend to me now. It is so loyal, & embodies hope, always a shining beacon to guide you home. Literally. As in i wouldn't know how to get back home half the time if it wasn't for the BT tower. For the past few weeks, it's had a countdown to the Olympics on it, which was nice but at times i personally found it to be quite foreboding. Now though, it says 'Merry Christmas!'

All the small things.

Emmanuel

2009-12-10T23:03:00.003Z

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

This part of December is definitely the best, Christmas day has average written all over it. & true to tradition, i'm coming down with something.

Tonight we had a Christmas dinner on our floor, which was really, really nice. In the proper sense of the word. Crackers, a proper roast, & a really lovely group of people; i suddenly realised that we rarely do anything as an entire group. Hats off to Jo, for her marvelous culinary skills. In all honesty, i owe my cooking advances to her.

Yesterday i made one of the best decisions ever; at about 2 in the afternoon, i was sat in an MUN meeting, everybody talking about the Christmas party we were going to that night, me humming a Christmas carol...

I found someone to buy my ticket for the night, legged it to Marble Arch, & jumped on the Oxford Tube. I got to town by about 4.30, & all the shops & cafes were already emptying, ready to close. How very bizarre. I was really hoping to catch Greg yesterday, as i didn't get to see him last time, but this plan fell through. Not good. By the time i do get to see him it'll be about 4 months, so i'm looking forward to it. So anyway, i rang Rachel, from school, to see where she was at, to get ready to go to the Oxford High School Carol Concert....!

We met up in Borders (since when is that closing?? Where am i going to waste time in now??), & while Rachel bussed to Summertown, i decided to walk under the pretense of 'no money'. In reality i wanted to take it all in, absorb Banbury Road beauty.

We got there & following a couple of scathing looks from parents, suddenly realised i'd rocked up to Church in a denim minidress, & as if to make it better, improving on its straplessness... by wearing a backless top underneath.

Slow clapping time.

So, first impressions over, we went to sit up on the balcony, which is reserved for old girls, but is rarely filled by them; as i remember usually only a couple of people turn up.We filled up a couple of rows (:

The service is definitely going to stay one of the most beautiful memories i'll ever have.

The acoustics are amazing from up there, the songs were more beautiful than i've ever heard them sung & i felt so proud to be stood up there when the congregation turned around to see who'd come back as we sang the old girls verse.

I wish i could have recorded it & play it over & over again in my mind. It was so perfect, really haunting, but gorgeous.

I think i cried a little.

A lot.

We went out to dinner at Brown's afterward, which, typically, gives you an 'artistic' excuse for a meal, in a really amazing atmosphere to make up for it. It was nice, a little weird though. My friends haven't really changed, at least, the 6 who were there last night, but it's weird how different our lives are, & how in not too long we'll be pretty much worlds apart.

I headed back at about 10, got here at midnight, & suddenly realised how much i missed everyone's company here too. This is what i mean about being torn. & how i realised that i might, maybe, just about, love it here.

To top it all off, i definitely win at receiving postcards...

Firstly, i'm the only person i know here who gets them at all.

Secondly, the other day i found 3 postcards in my pigeon hole, not having got any for a good while.

One was from Sophie in Cambridge.

The next one i looked at was from Greg- i looked at the picture straight away because he'd told me it would 'truly sum up Oxford':

"See what i mean? That's Oxford now all the best people have disappeared!"

The whole thing made me smile.

Next, a postcard from Iara!

"Orchid! The front of this postcard represents how i feel when i think about how far away all my friends are."- hang on.

Flip over the postcard.

It's the same gargoyle.

One of the highlights of my life, methinks.

Sleepytime (:

Orchid.

Ectoplasm

2009-12-07T00:02:00.002Z

When i was younger, i always thought i'd be a clubbing person, rather than a pubbing person. This would be considered a logical conclusion by any man of wisdom, as i live to dance & also would rather be put in a tank with a piranha than walk into a village convention consisting of fat, smelly, Viking-type men & their wives, given that i usually don't live in these places & look very much not British.

I never imagined i'd miss going to pubs this much; i hadn't been to a single one the whole time i've been in London, until today. Today i went to the Fitzrovia for a Sunday Roast with a friend from halls, & her friends who moved up to the city recently having gone to Falmouth Uni, where she met them during her summers here (she's Polish). It was so nice, & so refreshing to talk to people about things i'm actually interested in- moshpits & metal, & then how we should all go see Justice for New Years.

Happy happy happy (:

I came back, did a little work, & went to visit Ted in his room & spontaneously decided to go to Iran over Easter & also to do this 10 day programme with Buddhist monks...

10 days of:

No speaking, whatsoever, not even to yourself.

Eating only one huge vegetarian meal in the morning

Meditation

It would be so life changing, i'm totally up for it.

I've also been toying with ideas of where to live next year, all i'm ruling out realistically is Hackney Wick a.k.a. Murder Mile, & anything extortionate. I'm seriously thinking about these Catholic student halls right beside uni- you have to go to Mass every Sunday & give back to the community, but to be fair it's not much for very cheap accommodation, & the work could be publicity, which includes updating their blog! You also have to "endeavour to develop your spirituality"... i think my spirit does need a fair bit of development, we'll roll with that.

I've always wanted to live in a spiritual place, i just hope they would let me become that person, & not have to have always been it. The only thing i would disagree with is the potential organised, manipulative religion aspect of it.

The Church has done some very disgraceful things in its time.

All i want is to be the nicest person in the world.

Can't be that hard.

Orchid.

Skew

2009-12-05T23:50:00.003Z

If today was plotted as a graph, whereby the x axis spanned from yesterday at about 3pm through to right now, on an hourly basis, & the y axis represented how busy i thought i would be today, & my achievement levels of today, the two variables would be inversely proportional, with slight negative exponential tendencies.

In English, that means that i planned on writing my essay by 1 pm, going to a protest, going to the protest after party, meeting up with Emma & Ben Procter as they were making a trip to London, coming back, revising statistics, then meeting up with Olivia, a friend from my halls to go out somewhere, anywhere... i finished my essay.

The person who was supposed call me to say when she was going to the protest (bearing in mind she invited me) didn't,

Emma overslept & forgot to come to London.

Statistics...

Well put it this way, statistics or procrastination?

The thing me & Olivia were going to go to it turns out was destined to become a pill-fest, & having written 1700 words on Famine, & Economics, which is by the way, alien to me, & her having been waitressing all day, we're not out.

We're not out, i'm not out, i don't go out. Story of my life.

Proof that i am not a loser: yesterday i finished an exam & wanted to go out dancing.

Nobody else did.

Party, woohoo.

It's okay though, i've finally come to realise that for me all that matters is that my course really is crazily interesting, it's the answer to all the questions i used to wonder about ever since i can remember: yes, as a seven-year old i did want to know how all our cells knew where to go. And now i do know. I don't think anyone else will get it, but i think it's really beautiful, i almost can't believe that i finally know how magic works.

Knowledge is power. It's also beautiful.

I don't think i have entirely hated University in recent weeks. I think it's been a combination of real hatred, real loneliness, being afraid that i'll change & that if i admit that i am enjoying myself, i'll hurt others who feel that i still need them, by making them feel unwanted, not missed. There is absolutely nothing in the world like old friends though. Chloe came to visit on Thursday, & i suddenly noticed how many words, sentences we miss out when we talk, because we don't need to spell it out- i know precisely what she means just from a single word. And then far less more hating this place, i dread going home, so much, so much. There's a huge expectation for me to have had the most insanely amazing time of the world, just because i'm in London, & then simultaneously i know all i'll be hearing is stories of all the amazing times everybody else has had. I frankly don't want to know. I just want to be with all these people again, as if nothing has happened in between.

Having said all that, i am really looking forward to seeing the people i don't have to explain everything to, i cannot wait. Just to be around them, & not say a word, in entirely comfortable silence.

Orchid.

Horse

2009-11-27T00:00:00.004Z

My brain is in a weird state right now where it's not between, but simultaneously extremely calm & serene, & also frantic & whirring & close to explosive.

There is so much i want to change about the world; it took me this long to remember that 'if you want something done, do it yourself' applies to the vast majority of situations. The more i read, & believe me that's all i've been doing for the past few weeks, the more i feel disgusted at humanity, & that there really are no good guys. And also, & most depressingly, that sometimes the wrong decision is the only one you can make; you would never put a nation before your brother, but surely the welfare of the masses outweighs that of a single person?

But the more i read, the more i teach myself, the more i realise that if there are reasons for the evils of the world, if we can trace the roots, we must be able to return to those roots & fix it.

There must be a way.

That's the mantra circulating through my head, keeping it at peace with the absolute anger for what we've done. I asked a friend last night what could be done, how, how?? There have been great leaders in the past who have changed the world forever, why am i constantly told that nothing i do will make a difference, that morality will get me nowhere, that i am naive, have much to learn & should keep my head down & concern myself with my own business? What about Martin Luther King? What about Ghandi?

"Ah well, Ghandi, he was different. He removed himself from being human, from everything humans want & strive for; a wife, children, notable success, eating. When you have nothing, no weaknesses, what have you to lose?"

Of course.

So why not? Anything is worth improving the human race, anything is worth stopping lies about hunger, war, stopping the wrongs that women suffer in the hands of cowardly men, & taking the spotlight off money- it is not the be all & end all of our lives.

I'll do it. I'm going to make a plan.

Orchid.

p.s

"Girls can wear jeans.

Cut their hair short.

Wear shirts & things...

Because it's okay to be a boy.

But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading,

Because you think that being a girl is degrading.

But secretly

You'd love to know what it's like."

Bailar: Bailo, Bailas, Bailamos.

2009-11-23T22:32:00.003Z

Monday

Biochemistry

Hari Krishna

Library

Dinner

Salsa

Brie

Rice

Study

Bed.

Wick

2009-11-22T23:20:00.002Z

Even i'm getting tired of listening to myself. I'll commend myself with a trophy if i manage to stay in a good mood for longer than 24 hours.

I've been trying to study.

It's failing.

You never think people fail uni, but even though i'm giving this my all, i could easily fail. & there's no teachers to help, no past papers to perfect, no guarantees this is worth it.

I was really excited about going to Rebel Bingo last night, but because London transport & the weekend simply do not want to cooperate, there was no viable way of getting there, although of course, the night bus goes practically door to door. You can't get the night bus until after 11.

I was really looking forward to having Chloe & Rupert round for a dinner party tonight. They got lost, stuck in traffic, & by that time tesco was closed so i had to magic up a meal, & they could only stay for a couple of hours.

It was great.

Now they're gone.

I don't think i've gone back to square one, i think i'm just stuck between two worlds at the moment, i don't want to leave anybody behind or forget anybody, & i don't want to have only myself to blame if i don't have anybody here, which is a tricky balancing act. But it isn't working.

It really is like a candle burning at both ends.

Real fast.

This i say wanting no sympathy from anybody, including myself, but i really believe that i'm going to be alone forever. The surrounded by people, but still totally isolated scenario.

Whatever.

Orchid.

Pitch

2009-11-21T10:00:00.002Z

Holy crap i've turned into an actual student- yesterday i went to the bathroom in the library, which i think i now spend more time in than my room, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror & thought 'Oh my God what happened to you??'

I never would have dared leave the house before if i was even wearing my glasses, & now look at me, glasses, hair all over the place, not a smudge of makeup to be seen. Not to mention that i had been carrying a bookbag.

I'm in a dancing mood right now, & luckily i'm going to a bingo rave tonight. Because i'm cool.

To add to my good mood, i just found a tent peg in my bag.

Orchid.

Helium

2009-11-20T00:52:00.002Z

It's funny, so i wrote my last post, went to sleep & the next day things just began to look up. Well, nothing really changed in substance, but something clicked. Every morning so far, i'd woken up in a brilliant mood, thinking that "today is going to be fabulous" & yet it would always descend into apathy or anger. Tuesday was different. One of those days where you wake up & you so haven't forgotten what you felt like pre-dreamtime. I'm guessing things could only have got better at that stage, so they did. After a day of lectures i headed down to Carnaby Street in search of some yarns & needles. The shop was closed, but i certainly discovered one of the most beautiful places here- i now understand what pretentious magazines mean by finding London Gems. This was one of them; down the entire street, suspended between shops, were giant heart-shaped helium balloons in a boho-tack style with 'peace' 'love' 'joy' & 'hope' written across them. I'm taking it as a sign.

I then met up with Alice from school, who also goes to UCL I haven't seen anywhere near enough of her, but that's not to say we aren't still really close. We attempted to find the knitting group, which failed, so we came back to my halls as soon as i realised i had popcorn kernels & that we both secretly love sweet & salty together. We talked about how much we hate it here, how homesick we are, how we don't go out, & how 'out' should definitely include things like communal popcorn. It was nice.

Unfortunately, or it turns out, fortunately one of my floor-mates caught a little bit of the conversation. He's always been really jokingly mean to me, so it was weird when he was actually really concerned. But much appreciated. It was weird also because me & Alice had also said that what sucks the most is that you can't talk to anybody here about how you feel because there's a certain boundary you have to pass before you lean on people, i've heard so many people here being so unsympathetic towards others. But there i was pouring my heart out to someone i've known for a little while. If i have any talents to my name, it has to be putting on an extremely happy front: "But i just had no idea you were so down, you're always so smiley."

So that's definite, solid friend number one. He said it himself.

And waking up on Wednesday morning started well & ended well, with a hearty guitar-vocals-organ midnight jam with a couple of guys here, lots & lots of Michael Jackson. Excluding a hiccup in which i was absolutely traumatised by a film screening of Dirty Pretty Things about the underground kidney-fake passport industry in London. My God we have a lot to sort out.

A hell of a lot.

Orchid.

Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi

2009-11-16T23:34:00.003Z

I haven't forgotten about writing, nor have i been too lazy. I just wanted to write in a positive frame of mind, but it seems that joy eludes me, so here we go.

I hate everything.

I hate university, i hate the fact that i am nice to everybody & yet i highly doubt anyone would care if i lived or died. I hate the fact that the other day, as a break, i got on my hands & knees & cleaned the bloody floor. I hate that now i'm gone, my mother has literally nobody to speak to, as my sister has apparently turned into a cow in the last month. I hate that even my sister couldn't care less, & that the only times she'll bother to engage in conversation with me is to tell me that she wants my room & i should accept that i'm not part of our home anymore. Oh & 'i'm only coming to see you if i can bring my friend. We want to go shopping.' I hate that the only place i have to cry is in the shower.

I thought it would be a great idea the other day, to go & meet up with the art trip from school at the Royal Academy so i could see the exhibition, my teachers, & Leo. All i gained from it was being completely blanked by someone who i consider to be one of my nearest & dearest, who didn't even look me in the eye after i had to ask her to say hello to me, & that i have lost all artistic technique i had slaved away building up through high school. Or at least that i cannot draw whilst shaking with anger. So we can conclude that friends in my case are quite literally, neither here nor there.

It's truly tragic that my highlight of last week was a 2 hour phone conversation with Chloe in which we just listed everything we hate, everyone we hate (including a male hitlist) , & all the things we wish we could do but can't. Mine is depressingly long; i cannot:

Draw,

Think,

Believe,

Invent,

Write creatively,

Write academically,

Count,

Learn,

Cook,

Make friends,

Keep my mouth shut,

See,

Get a decent grade in a test i spent 3 solid days in the library for,

Paint,

Run,

Have style,

Sing,

Dance,

Act,

Smile.

It is equally tragic that i don't think i have ever been as excited as i am right now, that i am going to a knitting circle tomorrow night.

I cannot put into words just how much i loathe being here. I wish so much that i could just live by myself in some forest, or in a temple, & just help people & be kind, & give absolutely all that i can. Above all i wish i had the opportunity give my life to selflessness. But i just can't do it. Or at least not for 3, long, wastes of years.

Fish

2009-11-12T17:08:00.001Z

Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam,

Sunbeams are not made like me.

David

2009-11-03T20:12:00.002Z

Halloween is over; it's officially Christmas.

Sunday night was a solid improvement on the day, & even though i am now paying for the 3 movies i watched consecutively with my floor-friends, it was much needed. Yesterday was a complete waste of a day. I hate doing nothing productive. I did however receive something that made me smile in the post. I'd lost my first student ID card weeks ago, so i was a little baffled when i found it in an envelope, along with a note:

"Dear Orchid,

I found your card a few weeks ago, i'm sorry for the delay in posting it. I'm sure you have a new one by now!

I'm not sure which course you're studying but good luck- i'm enclosing my business card just in case you're looking for a job after graduation (this is how i got my first job!)

Sincerely"

I'm not entirely sure why that made my day.

So now i've really got to bite the bullet & start working for this goddamn Biochemistry exam. It's the kind of difficult where you think & grit your teeth for so hard & so long without achieving anything that you actually feel nauseous by the end of it. It's okay though, i just got back from Oxford Circus where they turned on the lights so that will last me long enough in terms of fun points. Peter Andre, Taio Cruz, & the Saturdays 'performed', with speeches from Boris Johnson (who we literally bumped into afterwards) & Jim Carey. The small things really are what makes life; the Christmas songs in between with the whole crowd singing along horrendously out of key, feeling a little bit like a T-mobile advert, dancing like gimps, the weather getting slightly colder, waffles after the show...

Orchid

Solitaire

2009-11-01T17:39:00.003Z

Today started off as a 'the rain can't stop me!' day. I'm am now shaking with cold & wet, & slightly shaken from the past few hours. At about 10am this morning, i headed off to Brick Lane in East London, which i had never been to before but had heard is amazing. I think it was a bad sign when the old man who sat beside me on the bus kept almost pressing the bell everytime i looked like i might want to get off, & as expected, did follow suit when i stood up at Bethnal Green. I managed to lose him & find the market... retrospectively i would rather have hung out with him than discover that the market was ridden with sleazy men, & only men, & nobody else was in sight. It didn't take even two minutes for probably the creepiest man i have ever met to start following me, asking me what size i was, 'you'd look even more beautiful in this', & eventually asking me if i wanted to go for a coffee after i was done shopping.

No.

I think i went into about five different places in a really random order & didn't look behind me, ever, & each time i passed a stall, had various comments thrown out at me. No cash, no cash machines, no breakfast, no water, no umbrella, coat or anyone.

A few miles' walk later & i'm home. I would give anything in this world not to have to be a girl in it.

Orchid

With Just A Dash Of Formaldehyde

2009-10-30T14:04:00.002Z

What's weirder than things that are weird, are things that really should be weird, but aren't at all. Apparently, cutting up dead bodies falls into this category.

If you ever get into a dissection room, a few things to bear in mind:

Nipples are creepy. For some bizarre reason, you don't seem to register that it's a real human being until you see their nipples.

Don't get a fat person. Fat is a) scary b) impossible to get off.

Try not to remember Halloween while you've got a corpse in front of you... poor timing much?

And...

It isn't a lie, the first & only thing you think of at the end is "Need. Food. Now." Formaldehyde really kicks off your appetite.

The most striking element of the session was handling the brain. It's so small. To think that the world is run by so little mass, & such a seemingly randomly ordered bunch of cells is mind blowing. It's stunning at both extremes; just how much electricity is shooting around the brain every split second, & then to think of how many thoughts its owner must have had in their lifetime, what just an innocent looking lump of pink could have imagined, envisioned, could have done & given to the world.

Dude.

Things are good, winter is close, we're still spinning eastward.

Orchid

Pink

2009-10-28T19:44:00.004Z

If i were somebody else, i might fall in love with me.

I listened to 'Nicest Thing' today & it made me cry; i don't think it made me sad, just pensive.

I wore grown-up clothes to my interview today, but i may as well have been 5 years old, feet too small in my Mother's highest heels & her pinkest lipstick all over my skin. As soon as i'm home again, i'm going to go fruit-picking, by myself.

Hopefully it'll be raining.

I don't want to leave this until i look like the insane lady who goes fruit-picking by herself thinking about the world, &, i guess, stuff.

I'll do that a lot before i'm not allowed anymore.

Last night was good, i gave up trying to find people with similar interests to me so i went to a gig at Ronnie Scotts by myself, & made friends there. Might even see them again. The word 'duh' came to mind when an A&R guy & i realised that if he is obligated to go to certain gigs & ends up going by himself, & i want to get to know the scene here better & nobody at uni does, we could work as a team at this (:

Orchid

Tally

2009-10-27T17:17:00.003Z

It's quite intriguing to watch peoples' behaviour more carefully, once you realise that a bunch of kids removed from the real world respond similarly to inmates of a chaotic prison; everybody seems to be dipping toes across the border separating the norm from mild insanity. Some people have been thrilled to discover that they can fold their own ears into themselves, others now find it mandatory to creep people out with their new-found talent of eyelid reversal, & the talent show winner has to be the whistle-hum. To top it off, for the past three nights, talking to different people into the early hours of the morning has ended in the classic question: 'So would you ever eat your own placenta?' I wonder if i too am about to crack, or if i have, when, how?

Maybe the fact that i'm now apparently logging everybody's moves is my answer.

Oh well.

Orchid

FM

2009-10-25T17:04:00.002Z

I feel really shiny (:

Not in a gross way, i feel sunshiny, starshiny.

Shiny.

In short i had our room to myself today, & managed to fix my radio & had all my notes organised from last night's mindless filing. The result? I could make really useful notes that i really understand, while dancing around to awful chart music, with the sun glaring through the window, while in between adding to my wall collage.

Yeah (:

I haven't been able to do that in almost a month now. Well, i wouldn't have missed the work, but nothing in the world is as good as a little Sunday radio dancing with absolutely nobody in the world to see how ridiculous you look in your Sunday Worst.

It's letter-writing time now.

Dear whoever...

Orchid

E.T.

2009-10-24T16:54:00.003+01:00

When i saw my mother last Sunday, she said to me 'Just look forward. Oxford is still there, all the people are still there, they're all getting on with their same old lives, it will still all be in tact while you're not here.'

Within 24 hours this week, i found out that one of my friends is single & pregnant, another two have broken up, & one of my best friends has been hurt beyond what should ever be allowed, & worst of all by another one of my friends. I can't count how many times i've said 'i just don't know what to say, i just don't.'

Conversely, life is good at my end. Along with dissections, debates, & drama productions to look forward to, i have a job interview coming up... let's just say it'll be quite liberating.

It's good to feel at worst, okay, for once. Even though everything has panned out now so that events don't waver far from the so-so, right now i'm cool with not having any AMAZING times, if it means i don't feel lower than low either. Halfway through last week i got halfway through packing everything up to leave, quit, whatever. I was warned against going home, but i just had to; i certainly saw the results. Things have to get worse before they get better. I don't know at what point i saw sense, but i'm still here so something must have clicked. I think Ciaran must have called me at just the right time, thank you.

At 9am on Sunday morning, my mother called me, telling me to come downstairs... to find her, two of her friends & my sister standing in the foyer with bags of stuff for me. That's dedication (: We went to the Hair Show, a London Fashion Week equivalent for salons, which was amazing. I adore being in that kind of high powered environment, seeing so many driven people with their 'skinny lattes' & heels clicking, & watching it rush past me. As long as i don't have to be one. As long as i can still be a small town girl in the big City, as long as i can hold doors open, smile at people on the street, all the people on the street, as long as i can spare a few seconds everytime i walk down a street to look up; nobody ever looks anywhere but straight ahead, the line of fire here. As long as i know what i want to give, & who i am, nothing else matters.

Does it?

Orchid

Ruby Red

2009-10-12T12:19:00.002+01:00

10th-11th October 2009

The best weekend ever.

There's no place like home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home

Orchid.

Salamander

2009-10-09T14:22:00.004+01:00

I'm currently quite obnoxiously restless; i'm just so happy to be going home & at the same time, everything is just so good here... maybe more so because i know i'm not stuck here for the weekend. I'm getting really good & efficient at domestic stuff like cooking. Last night i did uber cheap shopping at Sainsbury's then made dinner & prepared the pancake mix for this morning, at the same time as doing the washing up. Maybe i am a 'real girl'. After years of being pushed to my limits & beyond academically, i'm finding note-taking in lectures far easier than everybody else, & i can write so fast... i get my kicks...

Oh & guess who's at, currently, the fourth best university in the world, ranking above Oxford?
Personally, i'm not buying it, numbers & figures don't really mean much to me here, i highly doubt we're doing better, but it works out, so nobody's complaining here.

I've been really indecisive about when to go back, partly because i have a lot of work to be doing, partly because i really want to see some friends when i'm back (which will be difficult if i go home first as my Mom will keep me at home for as long as she possibly can, & feed me as much as i can possibly consume) & partly because i have a feeling there have been quite a few arguments at home & while i want to be with my family for as long as i can, i also don't want to get caught up in what i've been trying to get away from; i have enough to be dealing with as it is. Especially if they're not going to let me help.

Had a jam last night, a boring geography lecture this morning, & a really interesting anatomy lecture straight after, especially the embryology division of it.

Salamanders don't have lungs, they breathe through their skin.

Orchid.

Hole

2009-10-08T16:31:00.002+01:00

Leaving the library yesterday, i rang Greg. We talked for over an hour, bye-bye minutes, hello massive phone bill, but it was all for the greater good. Or so i thought. Being on the phone, for the first time in far too long talking to somebody who actually knows me, who doesn't even need to hear the words to know what i mean (although sometimes i come out with things that are so bizarre i wouldn't be surprised if nobody in the world understood) made me feel really happy.
It's amazing how 2 seconds after hanging up i felt far, far worse than i have done here so far; in fact i'd been in a pretty good mood for a while. Bumping into people i guess i would call friends by now, & i'd laugh, dance, but as soon as i'd be by myself again i'd just collapse back into isolation. This all ended in calling my mother for the third time yesterday, when i realised i don't just miss her, i was almost pining for her; i was reminded of the chicks i had when i was younger & how, if you put them apart in the grass, they would run, run, to find each other again, or how if they were outside & i shut the door inside, they'd chirp to the point where it'd break your heart not to open the door & pick them up. They'd instantly fall asleep in my hand afterwards. I cried a lot down the phone. I guess i've been trying to see how long i could hold out for, trying to force myself into dealing with not being at home, after all, it's immature & childish to feel homesick, right?
I'm going home as soon as possible.
Adam on my floor dragged me away from my statistics (as if anyone needs to be dragged away from that) and we had a little jam in his room, a lot of Red Hot Chilli Peppers. You always seem to forget that overplayed mainstream bands are sometimes overplayed & mainstream for a very good reason.
And today is a gorgeous day, had my first geography lecture with a gorgeous lecturer (; having done some housework in the morning. Hey, check me out. Washed all my clothes by hand, don't you know. The geography lecture was awesome, i think i'm really going to enjoy this module. It's basically human ecology but takes a little more anthropology & philosophy into account. I then had a statistics lesson, & now i'm about to go food shopping, followed by a lecture given by a man who used to be a refugee & is now a judge of refugee law.

Crazy stuff.

Orchid

And you'll sleep til May...

2009-10-07T18:33:00.002+01:00

Wow.
The view outside my window defines the word bleak.
It's bizarre because i usually love rain, especially when it pours, but concrete really does seem to extinguish the beauty of it. My life would be so much more fun if i wasn't so moved by things like the weather & the first song i hear in a day, but hey, it's a creative head-start in any case, as was just proved by a chalk drawing i did absent-mindedly, which turned out to be quite beautiful.

I definitely need to start posting to this more regularly as my memory really is starting to fail me; part of the reason i started this was because whenever people asked me what i did this summer i'd be a little lost, but i must've done something because i barely ever sit around doing nothing.
So what i assume happened on monday evening was that i went to the film soc opening meeting, attempted to go to two others but somewhere along the line, this failed. I also assume i bumped into a couple of people i'd met in freshers and had a nice conversation with them or something, because i distinctly remember thinking hey, this week is definitely looking up. Under the assumption that i'd go home & get a much needed early night, i became trapped in a rather fun but tame kitchen party. Our floor is a bit weird in that the general norm for anybody in halls anywhere, is that your floor-mates become your instant best friends, even if only superficially & for the first couple of weeks, however we didn't fit into this. We all just kind of banded together out of (slightly conservative) convenience, but i think i can truthfully say that our friendships aren't deep at all, but very genuine.

Yesterday was one of those epic (in the truest sense of the word) days when in your mind, it could easily have spanned to 3 days.
9 o clock anatomy lecture.
Private study in the library for a few hours.
Lunch.
Statistics.
Kitchen chats.
Timetabled sleep.
Labour soc welcome party.
More film soc.
More sleep.
Cooking.
Dinner.
Shower.
Get dressed.
More kitchen chats.
Long tube journey.
MATTER.
Walking to bus station.
Waiting for bus.
Trying to get on damn bus.
Bus driver kicks us all off & makes us form an orderly line.
Board. Flipping. Bus.
Hour & half bus journey.
Walking back to halls.
6 o clock sleep.
9 oclock lecture.

Phew.

Good lecture today, and i got more sleep afterwards. I woke up & dragged my heels to Model United Nations (why the hell did i sign up to so many things?) & had a freakin. brilliant. time.

I definitely, fosho, hands down, would love a job like that. And it turns out i can speak in public, and think fast enough to back/ tear apart someone else's argument, i just never thought i could because, frankly, at school i still would have been ripped to shreds by the rest of my year.

Found my calling, much?

Bread

2009-10-04T20:46:00.001+01:00

My feet. Ow, my feet.

In the 24 hours before 12 pm yesterday, i think i may have walked approximately 15 miles. The tube map is definitely NOT to scale & you cannot gauge how long the walk will be by using your finger & thumb & multiplying/ dividing as required. We'll get to this later.

On friday night, i made a loaf of bread. I am now officially a domestic goddess, although admittedly Jo from my floor did save the dough a few times. That, & finding out that certain fish can change sex was hands down the highlight of my day.

On saturday, Chloe & Rupert came to visit me; we agreed to meet at Notting Hill gate, to go to Portabello Market. I walked there & back, & by the end of that i was ready to go to sleep at 8 pm. The day was really good, i did tear up a little as we parted, because i was reminded of how great my friends are & how i still haven't encountered anyone like them in the slightest. I mean, who else would appreciate 'Bepanthen Bird, cacaw, cacaw!' Oh man. When i eventually got back, i rang Harriet from the Slade (art school) to see if she was busy that night; i figured she'd be up for something low key. It turned out that her bike had been stolen, & she was feeling pretty 2 out of 10 so i started to make my way to her halls, in Camden. I felt bad for her when i heard about her bike, but even worse when i realised just how much of a trek it is for her to get to the uni & back by foot. We ended up having a wine & cheese party, gatecrashing a kitchen party & then returning to our cheese having discovered that the party was fairly lame.

I walked back from Camden in the morning, had a shower & then went to Waterloo to meet Caroline, a family friend & also Bison's sister (far too much effort has to go into me referring to him as Richard). South Bank is beautiful, i'm going to make sure to hang out there more often. The day was really really nice, probably mainly because i treated myslef to public transport, the first time i'd used it all week. It was slightly surreal though to be in the City, spending the day with a 'young professional' in such a high-brow corner of the world. But seriously, one of the best days i've had so far, it's just worrying that all of those 'best days' have been with people i already know. Oh well.

I had my first for-real lecture this morning, which i'd actually been looking forward to. It turned out to be however, something like '400 mph Chemistry for Idiots' as i knew it all & it was really easy, but if you'd never done chemistry before you'd be screwed because it was so fast paced. I'm slightly scared if that's what the rest of the course is going to be like :/

After bumping into Alice, which was great as i haven't seen her despite making countless plans for London adventures when we both got our offers, & getting free passes to Raindance Film Festival (WIN), & grabbing lunch, i headed to Oxford Street. Mistake.

I almost don't even want to ever speak of this again. In short, i hate shopping, nothing suits me & what probably would, i need a credit card to so much as look at it. Not to mention how slowly people in front of you walk... i'm pretty sure i'm only this restless & crappy because of the rain.

First Great Western is calling, i think i'm going to need to come back to Oxford for a bit very soon, & at the very least see some grass & pick up my knitting to calm myself down with. Alternatively, i might join the Buddist temple down my street.

Orchid

Green Man

2009-10-02T18:40:00.000+01:00

The first thing i properly learned here was that the Green Man lies.

As a road-crossingly-challenged human, i have to go to great efforts to cross at designated crossings, & i figured in London this is especially important. Alas, i dutifully wait for the traffic lights to change, & two seconds later the Green Man, a fabulous escape artist, has been fleetingly replaced by its Red counterpart, and cars jump into action, returning to the ultimate goal of innocent-pedestrian homicide.

The second thing is that cars here will NOT stop for anything, & that the speed limit is an arbitary term, apparently.

Things have definately improved; on tuesday i did something i rarely do, & that was to mope around. I had a little cry & then decided i needed a distraction, so i phoned Al from school. We have never really been friends as such, but we chatted occaisionally if we bumped into each other at school. I had never been happier to see anybody in my life. It turned out, we were both having a pretty crap time at freshers, & that although we'd have fun, it would all boil down to crap again. Afterward i went to a photo session & in the que i managed to get to know a few people on my course. I think i really am going to enjoy lectures with them, which was confirmed by the course social later that evening. I'd had tickets for Egg that night, but boycotted it & followed my course people to a different club, the Roxy, for their indie night. It turned out to be an awesome night due to decent music & the company of people who are actually willing to dance. Before the event i'd taken a walk in the same area, which is basically my street, & by the end of the night it did feel a little like my own neighbourhood. The day had improved rapidly from when i left my room; the only thing to taint it was my growing frustration at how trendy the people on my street are, & how it's really obvious that my clothes are cheap & my style sucks in comparison, whereas back home i would have considered myself reasonably individual. The area is full of PR girls & rich indie kids & vintage junkies & suave businessmen & it really is a bit of a culture shock.

I came back home & i have a feeling i spent hours in the kitchen afterwards, but all of those sessions have merged into one, so who knows.

On wednesday we had more induction things, & again i can't be precisely sure of what i did for the rest of the day but the evening was definitely a lot of fun. I went to soho for dinner with Marie (my roommate) & i went on a hunt for cheap dinner in soho, which was really good. In that time i got a few phone calls from people to come out/ stay in with them (& stay in means kitchen party) but the last one i got was from Ophelia, the girl i walked back with from Koko. I figured freshers week was still negative fun for her, & as i still haven't forgotten just how much it can suck, i lied & told her i had no plans & met up with her instead. We went to the main uni quad, which looks a hell of a lot like Washington, & sat on the steps & talked for ages. I can see why she's not been having a whale of a time; she's on a totally different level from the average young person, & far more interesting.
We realised after a while that we'd got locked in, so having found security man, we returned to our separate halls, & thinking i'd just go get some water from the kitchen, i ended up doing an all-nighter talking to Alex from my floor when everyone else went to bed. It's amazing how after one night of deep conversation, the type that you can only achieve at that point in tiredness where your thoughts are shockingly bizarre, how much more you can get to know somebody.

I got to the morning lecture on time, in which i fell asleep, & then followed the people from my course to the biochem meeting- i LOVE our lecturer. I aspire to be like her, honestly.
Having trudged through freshers fayre (biggest in the country apparently), signed up to about 20 societies (all the political ones for the hell of it, all the art ones to refill the hole where i used to hold painting & photography so dear, & a few others) & bumped into the people i'd met on the first night (they apparently don't hate me & have really missed me), i returned to my room to finally unpack properly & eat. I had nothing to do & literally everybody had tickets for this parent-approved-style rave, so i rang up Katherine, who went to my school & is in second year here. She's been giving me loads of advice since i got my offer, but i hadn't seen her since the move, so it was great to go to her new apartment. I hadn't been in a home for ages & it was really quite awesome to just sit in her room talking with her housemates & her. We then went to the union, which isn't half bad actually, & finally brought her & Rebecca (the italian, awesome ousemate) back to my halls. We made hot chocolate, which is always win. What is even more win, & doubt much else could be more win than this, was breaking out of the 7th floor & climbing onto the roof. You can see all of London from there, it really is breathtaking.

Today i got a lot of much-needed sleep, followed by a tour of the library. On the way to the next lecture, i bumped into Harriet from the Slade art school in UCL & got her to come along to our lecture- "what sex really means". It was SO amazing; it reminded me why i love science & that, at least academically, university iswhat i've always wanted.
The gallery we went to afterwards with one of her friends from her foundation course was really, really cool collection by Ryan McGingley. We went for coffee afterwards & now i'm back doing this. I'm about to go food shopping because i realised as soon as i tried to cook, that i have a hell of a lot of good food in the cupboard, but absolutly no combination of ingredients i can make anything out of.

I'm not looking forward to this... XD

Orchid

.

2009-09-29T10:37:00.000+01:00

I don't even know where to start. Friday was nice, i went round Vic's for a bazillion episodes of inbetweeners with Sam & Stoo & Rach, but i guess i also didn't get to see Liv or Melissa before i went away.

On saturday, Yasmine & her dad brought me to uni, which proved to be ridiculously stressful & more so with her dad there. He's basically out to make my life hell & stop me from ever making friends. With him around i may as well have 'Dickhead' tattooed across my forhead. Or a badge that says "Hi, i'm WILL". Basically the residence people forgot that they built a kitchen where my room was meant to be so i had to move around for a bit. Me & my roommate did actually end up getting an awesome deal though; they put us in the studio flat, & though it's cramped as it's only meant for one (if very large) person, it's got it's own bathroom & fridge. Yasmine's dad took us to Ikea... my roommate is swedish, fml. She's also 24, so there's a massive age gap, but she is lovely which is a relief more than anything. She went to bed as soon as we got back & there was absolutely nobody else moved in on our floor yet so i went into the lift, shut my eyes & pressed a number. I ended up on floor two, where i met loads of awesome people; there are a huge number of exchange students at the moment, which is really sad as they're real nice but will be gone by december. Apart from one girl who's 17, i was the youngest there which was a surprise. Everybody else was at least almost 20, & because apparently it's really odd that i wandered down to the 2nd floor, i was adopted as their mascot. That floor is now really cliquey & so my postion has been erased. Which is fine.

My mama came down on Sunday to properly see me settled in so we hung out for a bit, & apparently in that amount of time i missed out on making a hell of a lot of friends. I went to enroll & met some really cool people along the way on a different block. I need to re-find them, they were really nice.

I told myself i was really going to make a fresh start with study skills etc at uni; always be on time, be organised etc etc. I lost my student ID within one hour of getting it. FML.

When i came back to my halls i bumped into some crazy art kids, a couple of which didn't even go to our uni. I had nothing better to do so i tagged along & we ended up finding an outdoor gym which was surreal but so cool. Unfortunately they all went to Central St Martins together & are really tight-knit, so that was a bit of a lonely excursion. I got back in time for the welcome meeting for our halls, where i met some lovely people but whom i haven't seen since. I then got ready to go to Koko, which i bought tickets for because i knew it has a good rep. We walked to camden for it (we being a random collection of people from our block who had tix) & when we got inside it was packed, absolutely couldn't move style packed. So when all they play is chart music remixed & you can't move to dance, what's the point? I went to sit down for a bit on the bench bit in the bathroom & again, met nice people. This girl walked in, looking like she was about to cry; it turned out she had been dragged along by her halls people & in fact hated clubbing & drinking. We made an executive decision to leave asap & walked back. Her halls are around the corner from mine so it was safe.

Yesterday was the best & worst day so far. The best because i ended up going to a campaign meeting with said crazy art kids, to fight cuts that are due to be made at the uni. Christ, i've only been there a day. They are really politically minded though, & i definitely admire them. Also because my course people who i met for the first time seem alright at the very least. Also because i FINALLY found muscially minded people. Also because i now have London mentor (unofficially) who showed me things like how to get around london for free, which side of things to stand on, how to glare at the Oxford St newspaper distributor people. & he's kinda cute.

The worst however because i need to put some movies onto mini DV for the damn film comp which i've been working at for a year & a half now & which i've already submitted stuff for- & since last year apple have changed the firewire ports on the macbook so i can't do that. & now, after all that hard work i can't enter the competition. The deadline is tomorrow, so there's not even a point. So anyway, i went to look for someone with the right lead & there was basically nobody in at all, & then i was ignored by the 2nd floor people, how inane. So for the first time since i moved i was left with nothing to do, all alone & felt so homesick, friendsick, i miss being somewhere where everybody knows who i am, where i know the scene, where there are trees & grass, where i don't have to try. Also because i keep forgetting to eat & then when i remembered last night, it was already late & it took me 2 hours to cook some rice because my rice cooker was being fickle with when it was going to work & when it was going to fail. Also because i found out that a fresher died at Koko while i was there, which is well & truly tragic.

Everybody i've met who i want to be friends with i haven't seen again, or they fall into one of the following categories;

1. 3rd years. They will soon have tons of work & will also be gone by the end of this year.

2. Exchange students. They will also be gone by the end of this year at the latest.

3. International students. I can't speak chinese.

4. Medics. They are at continuous special medic things together as they have to know each other for the next 7 years. Once those socials are over they will be swamped with work & permanently unavailable.

5. Art kids. Will be swamped with work. Also are all already friends, & quite exclusively so.

Basically, FML.

And your hands, they shake with goodbyes.

2009-09-24T22:13:00.000+01:00

Okay, maybe a little odd to start blogging now, or at all in fact; i've never been one to keep a diary and certainly being the type of person to sit at home writing while everyone else has been out, i've had the chance to, but i'm also quite backwards, so right now, when i'm going to be more busy than i ever have been in my life, i decide to start this. Slow clapping time.
I figured it'd be quite neat timing though as i've been quite snug in my coccoon & refusing to budge for a long time, but i actually took the plunge & am going to uni in the most far out of my comfort zone place in the world... London should be interesting to say the least.
Goodbyes have been bizarre but all i seem to be doing at the moment. I realised i desperately needed to see some people before i go about 2 weeks ago, & crazily enough it's my friends from school that i've been trying really hard to find. I spent so much of school thinking i didn't fit in, & when i finally did make some really solid friendships, i still felt as if i still wasn't quite in the right place. Hell, i was wrong. I love everyone so much & now cannot fathom how anyone else will put up with me, or understand me the way they did. And maybe i should have gone to Kukui with them, even if it is the pinnacle of crap!
Friday i went for a last minute coffee with Sophia; seeing her saying goodbye to Bo, even if it was only for the nest few hours, really made me realise that this is actually it. Saturday was my last day at work, which, unlike the vast majority of saturday girls in the world, i loved to pieces. Afterwards i made my way to pizza express for a 'last supper' with my friends from the High, saying a final goodbye to Nikki, among others who i assumed i'd see again but haven't. On monday i went back to school which was lovely, my teachers love me, mahaha. I paid Leo a visit in the art block as well, & then headed to Ivy's shed & talked about Lolita- SUCH a good book.
Tuesday i spent the day with Rachel- i miss her so much already & will definitely be 'raving' it up in cambridge with her asap. Hot chocolates with Sophie in the afternoon & then i returned home for some more packing (it never ends). Yesterday was stressful with MORE packing. In the end i gave up & went to Greg's, finally. We walked to town & having planned on going to the randolph for tea (cheaper than starbucks, sweardown), pizza express, the cinema, maxwells... we went to branos. Yeahhh. Because i'm an idiot & forget that i do not have the physical prowess of a cat, i suggested we climb up to one of the window ledges outside the Bod. We sat there for a bit, judging everyone walking past while they judged us for... climbing skills? Sang along to Panic, loudly. Sat in some silence, comfortably. Parfait. We walked back to Kennington & to THE swings, which is one of my favourite places in Oxford. Sweet.
And damn you Greg, i cried.
I put myself through more organisation today, but kept myself sane by seeing Ben at lunchtime. Ben = win. Saying bye to Ben = whyyyy?
Chloe came to pick me up at 7 ish as we planned to go for dinner at a pub in Appleton... we got quite close to Henley & still hadn't found Appleton so we looped round & ended up back on Boars Hill... we carried on down into the most random private roads, surrounded by trees when Chlo suddenly goes 'oh, i know where we are!'. So we get to Appleton... in Chlo's mind. We got to Wooton. We carried on driving & ended up almost on the way to Bristol, when in bright shiny lights we suddenly saw the pub. We are amazing, & that is why. It was one of the best drives ever though. Dinner was lovely & Chlo dropped me back off home... it took about 5 minutes. Lol, is all i can say.

I'm really really full of love right now, if that makes any sense. I am in a constant state of welling up. Tomorrow will be fun then (;

I don't promise to keep this up properly, but i promise to try.

Orchid